Simply, Pat

Val-stress-entine

2012-02-14T23:19:00.000-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:
Give Me All Your Love (feat. LMFAO) by Madonna on Grooveshark
Hey... so just to warn you guys, for Valentine's day, Natalie, Megan and Nat's roommate Wilee, and I went to this Asian Fusion restaurant, Bao. I got this drink called "Zombie" and it was extra strong with rum, so I'm a little drunk... it's fine...

Any who! So I've been so busy what with work, school, and extra curriculars, that I'm really getting stressed... blerg! I'm so busy, I don't have enough time to respond to my parent's texts, which prompted them to call Megan wondering if I'm alive... fml...

So yeah. I mean, it's nice being busy and all, I just miss my free time. I love my job, my classes are going well, I just want to sit and knit. Actually, I really want to learn Latex (pronounced Lay-tech). It's this awesome programming language in which to make really fancy processional documents, you code it. It's like a dream come true...

So I thought V-Day was gonna be a drag and I was gonna be all sad and mopey but nope! Natalie and I were valentines, I got her a box of chocolates and she got me a bouquet. The only thing I'm bumming about is I found out my workout buddy, the person I'm going to lose weight with, works out without me on the off days... :-(

I wanna be able to say I've sucked a dick by next V-day... at least one... I'm gonna be so thin... *as I down some Ferrero Rocher chocolates I bought myself 'cause I'm forever alone.*

TTYL

Blue Skys, Actually

2012-02-02T22:48:00.000-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Hey guys. So, I'm doing well. Actually. Which is rather weird...

The low down: So I'm still trying to fulfill my New Years resolution by focusing on my studies instead of trying to get into another's pants. It's going well. Sorta. Well, okay is it is still going. There's a leader of one of the other groups on campus that I thought was flirting with me. I've been emailing him trying to coordinate an event on campus. I was very formal, and he was very informal. He even put a "<3" at the end.

Also, at one of the RC's event, we had to all mingle, and I ended up just talking to him and a few others, and he started getting really close to me. So I thought something was up... Until that damn Creating Change Conference... Okay so I'm very involved with the gay community on campus, right? And every year, people in the community are all, "Are you going to Creating Change? Why aren't you going to Creating Change?" I usually just tell them it's personal reasons.

My blog, my rules: I'll tell you my personal reasons right now! Maybe it's because I'm just a super jealous person, but it's still really hard for me to be around gay people. Whenever I'm around the gays, I just feel jealous. I'm still waiting for my first kiss. And it blows big, meaty, chunks. And I've tried everything:

Changed my wardrobe
Changed how I talk and my vernacular
Tried gay interests, such as liking fashion and drinking
Joined online dating sites
Asked out plenty of guys
Volunteered for gay events and the RC
Joined multiple student groups
Lead multiple student groups
Organized events
Learned to Cook
Tried being myself
Lost 50 pounds

All of this accumulated to one date, who then tells me I was his rebound and he went back to his ex. Lovely. I've literally tried everything and nothing works. Part of me still thinks it's my appearance. I still have love handles and I don't fit the Boulder-Cookie-Cutter-Gay.

So with all those reasons, one might say I still have a lot of resentment towards the gays. So go to a conference to help the gays? No way. I refuse. They don't want me in their community anyways!

Anyway, back to that leader. I went to his club, found out he's banging a kid that went with those gays to Creating Change. It's funny: I actually was telling myself before this that I was probably making mountains out of mole hills. I knew this, because I always do this. I should know by know that the Boulder gays aren't interested in me.

//————Scene Change————//

So you would think that I would be in a bad mood because of this. Au contraire, mon frère! So a little bit about me: For those in the know, they know that whenever I hit a low point in self esteem, I listen to Barry White, mostly, along with some ABBA and some good ol' fashioned disco and funk. From there, I began feeling better about my body, especially while that big black man and his orchestra whispers sweet nothings in my ears. After that, I begin feeling happy, so I transfer to my Groovy! Playlist which includes, but is not limited to:

So my in-a-funk-funk-music phase happend a few days ago and today began my life-is-groovy-groovy-playlist phase began. So no fucks were given today!

So, today at SAGE, I felt great, because there was less focus on gay things and more on planning of events. It was awesome because several people volunteered to spear head each event. I feel very optimistic about our club this semester!

Walking home from a very successful SAGE meeting, I was listening to my groovy playlist, contemplating the events that had unfolded with that guy, how it kept me on track with my New Years Resolution, watching the snow fall. I couldn't help but smile.

//————Scene Change————//

Well, not gonna lie, that would be a great way to end a blog post. But I actually have great news! My classes are going quite well! I'm totes staying on top of all my homework and being very productive! I'm also keeping up with my reading and my game programming class is freaking awesome!!! I would give you guys the link where you can play the games I've made so far online, but my professor and his software team are still implementing this feature, so my projects are currently not online. So far, I've had to remake Frogger and Sokoban. My current assignment is to recreate Centipede, which is actually giving me a headache due to it's complexity. But I'll power thru! So that's exciting...

And I got a job!!! Whoot! I'm now the assistant web administrator for the CU Bookstore! I cannot wait to start! My first legit shift is tomorrow! AH! If this won't look awesome on my resume, I don't know what will!!!

Also! On monday, Jesse and I decided we will begin working out at the gym. I'm excited cause I think that what I need to do to really loose my love handles. Altho I totes over did it. And Jesse is a BEAST! He can lift soooooo much more than me and he's soooooo much smaller than me! GRRR! But it's alright! I really enjoyed working out with a friend. I'm soooooo glad he transferred to CU!

Also last Monday, I was really craving my brother-in-law's Pollo Tinga recipe. It is to die for! I usually make a bunch of it and I have a habit of eating too much of it... Anyway! It was awesome: I made it last Monday, and Jesse and Hannah came over to dine with me! I loved it! I was able to entertain for the first time! I used my awesome table clothe and banquet napkins for the first time and I was able to use my serving platters! I've always wanted to do that! It was soooooo much fun!

Well, I think that's everything! I'm going to get back to working on homework and building up my resume since there's nothing else I can do!

TTYL

Tele-Visions

2012-01-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Hey. So, I've been watching that show, United States of Tara. Have you seen it? It's pretty good. It's really interesting. I really think Toni Collette is a really great actress to be able to play all those personalities.

But why am I writing? I try not to slide back into my old habits, but the son on the show is discovering his homosexuality. I think they live in Kansas, and their son Marshall, is able to join a GSA in his high school and able to get a gay male friend and a boyfriend. He also holds onto is ideal of romance and is able to get that too.

I don't know why I get so jealous. I mean, it is just a television show. Yet watching this show, I've been missing the time I was in high school: Being out and proud, educating my peers about the gay people, not caring what other people think, starting a GSA, being optimistic for the future, etc. Now I'm older, I've let go of my diluted idea of romance and getting close with another soul, and I don't care about the gays anymore.

I miss those days. Even with all the weight.

//————On an unrelated note————//

I finished my professional website. Tell me what you think! I've been working on it pretty much most of break. I'm currently trying to apply for some jobs.

It's been nice leaving reality and programming till my heart's content... angst, angst, angst... :-P

TTYL

Comical Blogiversary

2012-01-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:

[I know this song really doesn't have anything to do with today's post, but it's just to legit to quit...]

Hello beautiful people! Today is my Blogiversary! It has been four years to the day that I've started this blog! I just wanted to say thank you to all of my readers! I know I can be very emotional every know and then and I can get very wordy. But, I appreciate all the support you all have given me! So, here's a post that I have been wanting to do for a really long time: My favorite comics.

As you guys know, or maybe don't know, I have always wanted to draw comics. I have a bunch of different how-to-draw books. I'm also trying my best to draw a little bit every day. I've also read a couple of great books on the subject. I highly recommend Scott McCloud's Understanding Comics and Reinventing Comics. They are a little out-dated yet very interesting.

Alright! So let's begin! Below are some of my favorite comics that I think you all should check out! :-D

//———— Cat Versus Human ————//

Let's begin with some fluff. ;-) I just like cats and Yasmine is quite the artist and very humorous with the kitties! :-)

//———— XKCD ————//

If you're ever on Stumble, you've probably come across Randall Munroe's XKCD. This dashing young man makes the funniest comics ever! Okay, to be real, it's very geeky. It generally centers around Computer Science, Mathematics, Chemistry... basically all the STEM subjects. I like it because of the geekiness. It's great! I especially love the cs jokes too!

//———— Chelsea Boys! ————//

Well, I should probably tell you about one gay comic! Chelsea Boys is by one of my favorite gay artists, Glen Hanson, and written by Allan Neuwirth. Unfortunatley, it's not a webcomic, but they have a few online. It's a great story that follows three roommates: Sky, the muscled hippy, Soiree, the professional drag queen, and Nathan, the forty-something Streisand fan. It's pretty great. Altho, it's sorta clashing with my new years resolution, just check it out! Also, if you're heading down to your local lgbt bookstore, check out The Book of Boy Trouble: It's a collection of comics dealing with the gays. :-)

//———— Scott Pilgrim ————//

Since we're not talking about strip comics for the moment, you guys have to check out my absolute favorite: Scott Pilgrim by Bryan Lee O'Malley! If you kids liked the movie, you have to check out the graphic novel! It's frickin' amazing! Scott is a twenty something bass guitarist who wants to date the girl of his dreams. And he has the most awesomest gay roommate, Wallace Wells. It's definitely worth checking out. And once you guys read it, I totes want to know what you guys thought of the end! OMG! Didn't see that coming! Woah boy!

//———— Sequential Art ————//

Phillip M Jackson's Sequential Art is an interesting comic. The main character, Art, is an llustrator and lives with a penguin, Pip, and a cat, Kat. I like it since it's very video-gamey. Also, there are some very good story arcs that are quite thrilling. Also, his use of anthropomorphism makes for some interesting characters. Also, it's British, which is the dog's bollocks. That post will come later. :-)

//———— Girls With Slingshots ————//

Danielle Corsetto's Girls With Slingshots is fantastic! In this comic, Hazel is a young twenty something lush with a english degree. She, alongside her BFF Jamie, are very open about thier sexuality. I like this comic since it's very women forward and they discuss their sexuality openly. It's quite refreshing and has very interesting, and often humorous, story arcs. Totes check it out!

//———— Least I Could Do ————//

And I saved the best for last! Ryan Sohmer and Lar de Souza's Least I Could Do is a guilty pleasure of mine. So... you guys know how I like douchey-frat guys? That's more or less the attitude of the main character, Rayne. He sort of is Barney Stinson except much more outrageous. He has quite the interesting sexcapades and has a major ineer geek. LICD is great! I love it. Check it out, but don't judge me too harshly afterwards...

Alright! So that's the notable comics I love. I hope you all check them out! I certainly love reading them all and I hope you guys will too! Oh! and thanks for the great four years! :-D

This post took my entire day to write... WORTH IT!!! I like love comics... :And not gonna lie, I hope a lot of people read this post... more than the others...:

TTYL

New Year, New Resolution: Road to Success!

2012-01-01T23:52:00.000-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:

[Today, we're trying a new song source in honor of the new year!]

Bonne Année Tout le Monde! The new year is upon us! Yay!

I've been working on my new year's resolution and I think I've got it:

I will not fall for the Hollywood love story. I will not watch romantic movies. I will be independent. I will refocus my attention away from body image issues and the search for my first kiss to building a better resume by focusing on my studies. I will not fall into the gay-jealousy-pit-of-dispair. I will remind myself that I am handsome with a kick ass body and that there are people out there that agree.

I resolve to be less emotional and more legen—wait for it—dary!

(That last part... I've been watching a lot of How I Met Your Mother and it is awesome!!!) What do you guys think of that resolution? I could of done the same ol' cliché of "lose weight" but my weight isn't the root of my sad periods; I think the root is those damn romantic movies. As such, my resolution is to not watch any chick flicks this year. I even took all my chick flicks from my apartment and took them to my parent's house.

I feel empowered and ready to take on the world!

TTYL

Rom-Coms: LIES!!!

2011-12-19T00:50:00.000-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:
I Remember by deadmau5 on Grooveshark
Hey everyone. So, I know I haven't blogged in a while. Just to let you guys know... I'm over it.

My friends have been really nice to me. I went to this party with a few people from my club and it was fun... sorta. I went and drank and played games, but then my friend Tori (such a sweet heart) sat me down and we talked about what happened. I cried so hard, it was embarrassing. But now that I got that out of my system, I feel better. I feel like how I felt before this whole date thing. You know, when I was feeling okay being alone and how I don't need anyone to make myself happy.

Just because I'm alone, doesn't mean I'm lonely.

That quote has been really helping also. And, you guys are the best! On my really depressing post, that was up for maybe six hours, two of you guys messaged me with really uplifting words, and I appreciate it. Also, one of you guys had sent me the link to the "How to Be Alone Video." I have a feeling I know who since I know one person I talk to when I'm depressed always encouraged me to watch it. And you know what? I did and I feel even better.

I don't need some man to be happy! Screw Romantic Comedies! LIES!!! ALL LIES!!! And besides, I don't have enough time to dedicate to a boyfriend anyway; I'm too busy making stockings for my game nite pals, learning XML, AJAX, the OpenGL, Blender, updating my website, applying to internships and losing weight!

I totes feel like a huge weight has lifted. Sure I've never been kissed or had sex, but I don't know what those are like, so I don't know what I'm missing! I am perfectly content on being alone. I'm not lonely! I feel like I can do anything! I feel like George Costanza when he stopped having sex! :-P (I've started watching Seinfeld...)

Okay, so back to the weight thing. I know I'm always talking about it but I'm really going to give it my all again now that the semester is over. I was watching some show and there was a character talking about he doesn't like fat guys. He mentioned something about how "There's no excuse." That phrase has really stuck with me. I have no excuse for complaining about my body. And, I have a friend who is a fellow cs major who wants to work in an oil field in North Dakota after he graduates because he doesn't want to be a fat programmer. That also has been seeping into my subconscious as well. And then the whole living in Boulder part that you all know about since I'm a broken record. Anyway, I'm going to give it my all, except I'm going back to weight lifting and cardio since that seemed to work the best.

TTYL

Well This Sucks

2011-11-29T10:25:00.001-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:
Running Up That Hill by Placebo on Grooveshark

HAPPY 400TH! WHOOT!

So this is my 400th post on this blog. Now I was thinking that I would save this for something monumental in my life, and here's what happend:

Good morning sir, I think I owe you a bit of history. Last year I was dating a guy we hit it off real well, dated for a semester over the summer guy moved away and I've had a hard time "getting back in the game" as they say. Over the past week I have discovered that said guy is moving back to Boulder and wants to give it another go. This has kind of thrown me for a loop. I like you, we have a lot in common and you seem like a real nice guy but I don't know if I'm really searching for a relationship at the moment given the circumstances. I still think we should keep in contact and I would be happy if a friendship comes out of this at least. Sorry for this mega text but I just figure it's best to let you know what's going on.

I... I never thought that only after one date that a rejection would hurt this bad. You know this was the first date-date I ever had and the first person to tell me I'm cute. I suppose I appreciate the honesty, but why is it the first guy to like me has another guy? It hurts really bad, so as soon as I'm done with this post I'm exercising cause that makes me happy. But it hurts really badly. That was like the happiest month ever. People were so happy for me, and they asked me about him and... oh god it hurts...

Now I really wish I had made it to Prop Gay last Friday... :-P

Well, I guess this post is in keeping with the majority of my previous 100 posts. Well, other than that, I can't believe I made it to Four Hundred Posts! That's a lot! Thanks to all my readers! Even if I don't know if people actually read this besides the commentes every now and then, it's comforting to know that perhaps someone is interested in my life. Thanks again.

TTYL

Thanks for giving this a read!

2011-11-24T22:45:00.001-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:
You Make Me Feel by Cobra Starship on Grooveshark
Well, I would like to talk about how Thanksgiving went, what with my crazy extended family, but I feel like that's too much privilege for one post. Talking about how I am privileged to have a nice Thanksgiving meal with my family... like double negatives, that's a no-no! So just a little: Overall it went well. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving dinner as well! (But also, if you can, watch the movie Dive. This sociology class is really a downer...)

So tomorrow is the last Prop Gay of 2011. Since there is not a gay bar in Boulder, the last Friday of every month, all of Boulder's gays descend upon one bar—This is Prop Gay. Now that I'm all legit, I am able to go, yet my family is celebrating Thanksgiving as just our family tomorrow. So, I suppose I can visit it next year! And besides, I'm slowly making a connection with that boy I told you about. I swear, every time he texts me, my face lites up! He's soooo... dreamy....

Oh! So New Year's Goal for 2011! Ok, so I have a gaol before 2011 is over and I begin working on it tomorrow. My goal is to compile a techno-holiday playlist. It's nothing magical or socially important, but it is something I've always wanted to do, and I only remember that I want to do that during December! I so far have about two holiday songs that are sorta technoy. There really isn't a lot, but I know a few sites in which my research may be ran... Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha! :-P

One last thing: This is post 399... The next one will be my four-hundreth post on this blog. It's a milestone, and I feel like I need to go all out! I have been simmering with an idea of a post I want to do for a while, but just haven't had the time to do it, cause it's sorta a lot of work. Well, sorta, since I basically just talk about me on this blog. Hopefully, people will like it. Or maybe I'll just wait until something extremely monumental in my life happens. I don't know what it would be or when, so maybe not. We'll see!

TTYL

My liver needs a vacation...

2011-11-19T09:52:00.001-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:
Garbage Truck by Sex Bob-omb on Grooveshark
Holy guacamole! Turning 21... intense!

So, my birthday did not stop after Monday, oh no... Tuesday, (so sweet of them!) Hannah wanted to take me out for my birthday to a restaurant. After trying sushi, I really wanted to do that again. So, we invited a bunch of our friends from our major and went to Japango for all-you-can-eat sushi. We went, and I was able to purchase my first drink at a restaurant! And dude! I possibly got one of the gayest drinks on the menu! (There was an even gayer drink, but it looked a little too gay...) I got this drink called the "Cherry Blossom"... It was so delicious, I had two... :-]

We have this one friend, we don't know how he does it, but he can ingest a lot. Like, apparently he's been there before, ordered so much food, and ate it all, that they asked him not to come there again! He's legit—he used a fake name, so he was able to go again. Halfway thru our meal, he's all, "Thank god the waitress doesn't recognize me!" I loled so hard! :-P

We ate so much sushi! It was delicious! I wasn't sure if I was gonna like it, since I don't like fish. This time, I actually tried the raw fish... It was scrumptious! And it was so much fun going out with all of them! It was so a delight to hang out with them all outside of school! And, so sweet, they paid for my dinner since it was my birthday! Oh man...

After that, a couple of us went to The Sink to get me a birthday shot. The actual birthday shot is a jug full of whatever the bartenders have left over after a night. I was all, no way! So instead, I tried a Scooby Snack! It was delicious! It was kalua, with a fruit liquor that tasted of peaches! It was fun! And then I got a well drink of basically gin... blech! It was nasty...

We had our drinks, which I could barely ingest since I was so frickn' full from the sushi, and went to one of our friends house for beers. I really don't like beer... I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't! They just make me gag! And it sucks cause tomorrow night, Kyle's taking me to Beer Bust at the Wrangler... but more on that later.

Alright, so no celebrating on Wednesday—I had to give my liver a break! Thursday—Ok quick tangent. Although I suppose I can tangent whenever I want here... :-P At Sage this week, we did a potluck and watched The Birdcage; If you haven't seen it, you should! Anyway, I made these awesome Blueberry Spelt Muffins, which everyone loved! #WINNING

Anyway! (again) the interesting part was I was talking to a few guys about the gay bar hop to the Wrangler, and you know me, I was all, "I'm really excited about going since I don't really fit the Boulder scene since I'm heavier and I'm hairy..." and one of them, specifically the one that I've had the jealousy issues with like, a year or so ago, was all, "Oh please! Patrick, just stop... not even..." while I was talking. I thought it interesting... But I like quickly changed the subject and told them I had that date, and they got all excited, and then someone else overheard, had everyone in the room stop talking so I could share with the whole group. It was such a liberating experience! Everyone was all, "That's so great! How good! So nice! That's awesome!" etc. I felt so good! :-D

Alright, back to the main story. Jesse, the coworker I've told you about, he finally lives in Boulder. Thursday, after Sage, Jesse and I went to Tracks. I finally didn't have to have the permanant-marker-x-of-death on my hands! I got a wrist strap and everything! Love! Also, since every time I go to Tracks, I checkin with Yelp, and know since I've gone so many times, I get one free shot every time I go! This time, I was able to drink it myself instead of giving it to a friend! It was awesome! So of all the shots I had for my birthday, that was the best! It's called the Blue Balls shot, and it literally tastes like the blue otter pop! So delicious! And I also had a vodka sour. I don't know why I like that one, but I do. Then again, I really don't know that many drinks, so it's the one I go to besides rum & coke.

It was fun at Tracks! I didn't dress gay, like I usually do, when I go there. (Skinny jeans and a v-neck.) I dressed like myself, with my IT Crowd t-shirt and my plaid overshirt. Also, I got to the point of tipsy where I didn't care what anyone thought of me! It was so liberating! Altho, eventho I didn't care what others thought, I didn't like being there. I mean, it truly isn't my scene at all! I really hope I can find where I belong in the gay world now that I'm legit.

And that's why I'm excited about going to the Wrangler! The Wrangler is the bear bar in Denver. I'm so excited, cause my dear friend Kyle says bears are really accepting of everyone no matter what body type. Altho, a kid at Sage reminded me that they don't like drag queens/kings. I totes forgot... But, they are the most accepting of body types than the twinks at Tracks. I suppose, pick your battles?

So stoked to finally be twenty-one! Altho, it's like a double-edged sword. So I'm playing Just Dance 3 for my cardio, The Biggest Loser as my workout and Wii Fit to keep score. So, after this whole turning twenty-one dealie, I gained four pounds from retaining water. The sucky thing about using Wii Fit to keep score is that since I gained the four pounds, it made me pick a reason for my wait gain! Seriously! It was sorta embarrassing... But I need to up my intensity on the The Biggest Loser game and add weight lifting to my routine if I'm going to continue to drink alcohol! I need to give it a break for a while so I can just loose the weight, and raise my metabolism so this doesn't happen again!

But I have to say, I've never enjoyed exercising this much before! Like, I mean, I did enjoy the going to the gym and doing the elliptical since I basically get to listen to my iPod, wich is basically my favorite thing to do in the whole world. Yet dancing as my cardio: No comparison. Or having a legit trainer help you lose weight with specific workouts that increase in difficulty to help you reach your goal: Just what I needed!

As I'm exercising this way, I realized that this is the kind of games I'm playing. Like, other are playing COD or WoW and I'm playing weight loss games. Sad? Sort of, but I feel like it'll be worth it in the end.

And it lead me to another thought: I've sort of been dwelling on the idea of working for a video game company as a software developer. I thought maybe a company like Blizzard or Nitrome. But then I thought, "How cool would it be to work at Nintendo?" I've always been a Nintendo person. I just want to build a video game for the challenge. I just feel like it would be the bees-knees since it combines programing with design. Altho, I sorta don't want to work for a company that makes mobile phone games or apps. I want to be on a team that produces a disc that you can physically hold, so I can give it to my future neice/nephew and be all, "I made this! And this copy is for you!" Just a thought...

Speaking of design! I'm sorta done on my professional website! It's still in progress, so bear with me. One of the big things I need to do is make the homepage and I need to make it look wright across browsers, cause not everyone likes using the best ones! (Chrome, Firefox and Safari). Seriously, do not use IE, it's a waist of space. IE is a stick in the mud when it comes to HTML5 and CSS3. DO NOT USE! (But do click the link! I didn't know Apple made that cool area on their site to who the awesomeness of HTML5 and CCS3! Apple FTW!

TTYL

It is my birthday.

2011-11-14T23:30:00.001-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:
Birthday by The Bird and the Bee on Grooveshark
Today is my birthday! Whoot! And it's my twenty-first at that too! So—what did I do?

On Saturday, my family and I went out to Pappadeux for dinner—which was amazing—then went home to have some scrumptious tres leches cake and open presents! So excited! My sister and brother-in-law got me a cool frenchie door mat, a nice decorative bowl and a massive key that functions as a bottle opener. My parents got me more yarn for my blanket, two awesome t-shirts, and Wii Fit Plus! Whoot! After that, I really wanted to play Just Dance 3 with my sister and brother-in-law, and we had a blasty-blast!

But yeah! I really think this Wii Fit Plus is what I really need! It also came with the Biggest Loser game, and between those two games, and Just Dance 3, I think hopefully I'll get to my goal weight; This time, I'm doing it for me, and not society. And I really mean that this time! After that convo with Lawrence, I really started to think differently about life. Well, relationships.

I came to the realization that I can't think of anything that I need from a relationship, so why do I need one? Also, we realized that I was putting so much pressure on this person to make me happy being with me and miserable without them. Really, I make myself happy. I just need to be me, and that's all there is to it!

So, I've been grooving to this new found individualism, right? That convo was two Friday's ago... then the following Tuesday, I had a date... Like, a legit, dinner and coffee, date-date! Is that just the most ironic succession of events you've heard of?! I was, "Really?!?! That's all it took?!?!" So yeah...

We met on Date My School so he goes to CU. He's an art/journalism double major. He really wants to do comics/illustration or travel journalism or both. He's a really cool kid! And! He's really, really pretty! There's a lot more too, but I won't bore you with my rambling! :-)

Oh! And he thinks I'm cute! This is the first time anyone has ever told me they think I'm cute! I am pretty after all!

So, I had never had sushi, so we went to Japango and it was really good! I really wanna have sushi again sometime! Except it was really filling and it was quite expensive... Meh, pick your battles, right? After that, we went to a coffee shop until he had to go to class. It was a really good date! And we have a second date in the works as well! Except, we won't be able to go until after Thanksgiving break, so I suppose it went really well after all!

It was so good! And since I threw all my preconceived notions of relationships out the window a couple days before the date, I literally walked into it with no expectations or visualizations! I just didn't know what to expect! That's what people do, right? I'm learning! :-D

Alright! Nice tangent! Anywho, so yesterday, I went out to dinner with Megan, my old roommate, to the Baker St. Pub which was soooo good! After that, we drove to Jesse's apartment in which they had thrown me a surprise birthday party! Is that not the sweetest thing you ever did hear?! They like me so much they gave me a party for my birthday! We basically chilled until midnite, in which we went to the bars. So, Jesse and Hannah were our DD's, Megan ended up not going with us, and Danny and I hit Pearl Street! Of which, there was no one! It was crazy empty!

We first went to The Walrus and I had a chocolate cake shot—it literally tasted like a chocolate cake! Not a taste of alcohol! We then had a rum and coke and played a round of pool. And in the entire bar, including Danny and myself, there were five customers!

So after that, we went to The Catacombs and I had a bloody vagina shot, in which I first had to take the tampon out of the drink with my teeth and then chug it. It tasted like hazlenut! It was nice! Only time I'll ever like vagina! :-P After that, I had never had a vodka sour, so we had one and it was alright! Oh! And The Catacombs was such a cool place! It was like real catacombs, sorta—the whole bar was split into varying leveled rooms.

After that, we went to The Pub, and I had to kiss the buffalo on the wall. I had to stand on a stool to get to it! And then the bartender gave me a birthday shot... I don't even remember that one... and then some random dude bought Danny and I a red headed slut, which was basically jagger. It was alright.

Finally, we left for home! I drank waaaaay to much... I basically was drunk all of today as well... so uncomfortable... especially since there was vomit on my floor... never again... If you're under 21—DON'T turn 21 if you can help it... it's painful... I told some of my friends that what had happened today and they said I had a successful twenty-first birthday! Blerg... it was fun! But too much drinking... do not want...

So, yeah! That was my twenty-first birthday in a nut shell! Hopefully, I will be well enough to go to classes tomorrow! :-)

TTYL

Soul Searchin'

2011-11-05T02:33:00.000-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

I just had a long conversation with a good friend... He selflessly gave up his evening to talk with me to gain perspective on my depression, and it really helped. He really made me think about this whole... whatever this is! I really think I need to do some soul searching to get to the bottom of... this. Wish me luck! :-)

TTYL

Hello Halloweekend!

2011-10-30T22:32:00.000-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Doing better! Thanks for asking! And I'll tell you why!

So yesterday! Partay!!!!!!1!!!!one!!!1! Jk... My friend Jesse and I celebrated this Halloween by going and seeing the movie, Puss in Boots. It was really funny! I loved it!

After that, I had a craving for diner food after watching a few episodes of Seinfeld, so we took a drive down to my favorite diner ever, Great Scotts Eatery. I don't know why I love that diner; It's just so delicious!!!

So before all of this, I was just chillin' at home watching some TV. Now, usually I watch Netflix, but yesterday, I decided to just see what was on the ol' boob tube. They kept playing this commercial for this game, and after several times, I really wanted to get that game. So after the diner, we searched all over the Boulder area for an open place that sold video games. Finally we got it, came home, and played Just Dance 3 for about three hours. It is so much fun! That game really works up a sweat for me, so I think I'm going to use it for cardio. Now that it's cold, I really don't want to work-out outside of the house (don't ask why) so I think this will be really cool. It has a feature where it encourages you to play for seven days. Depending how energetic you play, it gives you "sweat points" where 3000 sp is equal to 30 minutes of swimming. So, it encourages you to reach 3000 sp a day for seven days. I'm totes gonna do that. Hopefully I can eventually add some weights to get a full work out going. I really wanna try Wii Fit as well...

While I was playing that game, I really felt happy. It was nice to feel that way again... I'm glad I got that game, altho it's super distracting... My mom was telling me that since I've been feeling down, that I should be taking St. John's Wart. I think I might. I don't know...

So that's my exciting Halloween plans. Altho, it really felt like a date. I mean, I had fun and everything, just hope someday I can do exactly what we did, but with a date-date or a bf or husband or something. Preferably mine, of course. Anywho, Happy Halloween!

Two more weeks!!!

TTYL

Life sucks and when you thought it couldn't suck any more it does...

2011-10-28T15:15:00.000-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Why is it people only care for teens? "It Get's Better!" It doesn't. People only care about those who are literally on the verge of suicide. Why can't people care about those who suffer from depression? And how come only my family tells me I'm beautiful? How come no one tells me I'm pretty? Why does it have to be that I have to be suicidal to have people listen to me? How is it that the nice gay guy never gets a kiss, but the slutty McSlutterson get's to have kisses all the time? Why am I so depressed? Why doesn't anyone care for me?

//————Couple Hours Later————//

WELL! As soon I blogged the above, I went to the GLBTQ RC to ball my eyes out to my dear friend Kyle. I'm so glad he was there, and I'm so glad I could talk to him. I feel so much better now. I knew that I could talk to Kyle cause I just feel like he understands.

And now, like usual, I don't have any plans, but I ordered Chinese, and my friend is bringing me some... :Apple Juice:, if you will, and I'm gonna just spend some quality time with myself!

(Also, it was pretty cool when I logged back in to find an anonymous reader really caring and commenting. I really appreciate it. Thank you Anon! :-)

TTYL

Food! Glorious Food!

2011-10-16T23:26:00.000-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

So today is Blog Action Day and the topic is Food! How on earth can I blog meaningful change about food?

For those in the know, you know that Blog Action Day is an annual event in which bloggers all across the blogosphere blog about one topic to try and bring awareness or attention to that topic.

Here's me, not having any meaningful to say about the topic: Food. I eat food. Too much food. I have a problem with food. (Still depressed so here's my one little rant.) Deciding that being depressed really sucks, but realizing I don't have time in my schedule to work out, (really jsut to lazy to figure it out) I decided I'll focus on my diet instead! Here's my plan: Whenever I feel hungry, I'll eat and apple or drink lots of water. Good plan? Who knows... I really have a problem with my weight... and of course the gays can't see the awesome person behind the love handles... (You would think a large campus such as CU Boulder would have a counseling group on body image?!?! NOPE!!!)

Anyway, back to meaningful change... um... I love to cook? No really, I do! At first I learned to cook to make myself more appealing to the same sex, but I really just fell in love with cooking. I find that I actually cook when I'm bored... If only I had someone to cook for! As I said, I have a problem with overeating, yet I cook when I'm bored... So, yeah! I need a boyfriend who loves to eat so I can cook and I don't have to eat it.

The one downside with how I handle bored is that cooking is expensive... well, legit cooking. I love to find cool recipes of things I've never tried and go and make. And of course healthy cooking is so much more expensive than regular cooking. And here I am, living my privileged life in Boulder! Did you know that Boulder has about a bagillion health food stores? Whole Foods, Alfalfa's, Sprouts, Vitamin Cottage... I feel like there's more... But there's so many and they're all so expensive! blerg... again...

:Altho, I am a cs major... cs majors pretty much are guaranteed with a career out of college with starting salaries of upwards of 90k... this could be promising for my inner chef... altho, many major cs companies have in-house chefs... and I can't be eating all the time... hrrmmmm....:

Anyhootyandtheblowfish... Food! I really wanna make jam! Do y'all know the Better Homes and Gardens New Cookbook?!?! Best. Cookbook. Ever!!! I love it! It has pretty much everything food! And I totes wanna make jam! And then, I also wanna make my own bread from scratch... I really should move to Hotlanta... They sure know food... :Not gonna lie... I don't know what made me think of that....:

Oh jeeze... This post isn't doing anything positive or effective for food is it? Oh dear... Well, if only this day landed later in the semester! I'm taking this environment and society class and later in the semester we're going to be talking about freegans and environmental sociology and agriculture. I did watch and extra credit documentary called Farmagedon. It was... interesting... That's the only word I can use to describe it! I'm a cs major! I don't think of these things nor do they come into my daily studies! The movie basically looked into a few farms that had been ransacked by the USDA over raw milk. Have you ever had the pleasure? I sure haven't! (It's illegal in the State of Colorado.) Basically, the USDA did not like these farmers distributing the raw milk to consumers, even tho it has a bunch of health benefits. It was a rather interesting movie, I have to say...

Other food related things... in my class, we just finished watching, Tapped, a movie on the bottled water industry. I have to write a paper on it. It's really intense!!! After watching it, I notice all bottled waters and it sorta freaks me out how so many people are oblivious! You simply have to watch it! It's on Netflix if you are able. Totes check it out! Be a smart consumer!!! (Boy, do I sound like a Boulderite or what?!?! I'm tellin' ya! I truly am a lesbian in a gay man's body....)

Food, food, food... um... I'm sorta against the whole using-corn-as-fuel-for-cars thing... I mean, yeah cars are seriously anti-environment and earth longevity and such, but, I feel like people should be able to not starve to death... like, literally. There's a bunch of folks who can't have enough to eat, and here I am, Mr. Privliged Core Country (WST who has a weight problem and eats too much... Gosh, that sucks... I'd give up a meal a day to feed someone else... I'd lose weight! :-P (really this depression thing is annoying...)

Well, I hope this post succeeds the purpose of Blog Action Day. I know it's really late in the actual day, but I've actually been doing homework all day... And not my fun homework, it's my instead-of-midterm-let's-do-some-papers homework... BA-lerg...

On the bright side, like twenty-nine more days till my twenty-first! WIN!!! (Oh hay! Food related!!! :-P )

TTYL

Language?! Don't Mind If I Do!!

2011-10-16T00:10:00.000-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Well, still depressed as f*ck... story of my life... Just got back form GSA's Sixth Annual Drag Show... It was fun, but a bad idea for me... As you know, I have a lot of resentment and jealousy towards the gays... I thought I had cured myself of that... just kidding guys...

Anyway! Can we talk? No, I mean talk. Is this not the weirdest thing? Just think about it; I make little symbols appear on screen, and you, the reader, are able to understand them. Also, look at the language. We're speaking English, one of the hardest languages to learn. English is my first language. Is that not something? For others, English is not, and perhaps French is. They think in French, dream in French, live in French. I live in English. I belong to the tribe that speaks English. Just think about it.

There's a whole community of English speakers; Poets, musicians, politicians, actors, singers, etc. All speaking English. And else where, it's Chinese or something entirely different. Just think about it. You're able to understand me with only my words, these often simple words, yet so complex that only you and I can understand them. Is that not just the weirdest thing?

Yeah... Woah... I thought it was crazy when it hit me. And I'm totes clean of any and all substances. Just wanted to share!

TTYL

I am the real life Liz Lemon

2011-10-15T00:10:00.001-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

WARNING! The following post is filled with privileged white, gay, male, virgin problems. (Inorite?! What else is new...)

Feeling depressed. I went home to my parents home cause I really missed my family. I've been feeling really stressed lately. Just have a lot of assignments overlap in all my classes which hasn't happened yet this semester until now. Also, not really getting anywhere with my crush, gained eight pounds back, and freaking about my future. (What else is new?!)

Ok, so I know that I just need to recommence exercising to clear up a lot of these issues. But then what? I mean, not gonna lie, I do feel like my twenty-first is going to be a tipping point in my life for the better, but really, how? (Wow this post isn't going where I originally was going...)

What's wrong with me? I know I've asked this before, but really? Do I do something that is just repellent to gay men? Am I one of those gay men who hate other gay men, which is really ironically bad? Is there something more I need to be doing? Do I need to be placing myself into more opportunities for meet ups? I (used to) volunteer with the GLBTQ Resource Center on campus, I'm the secretary for the Student Advisory Board for the resource center, I'm the Vice President and Secretary for a GLBTQ student group; I cook, clean, knit, play games; I am loyal, caring, a great listener, fun, open to new things, real go with the flow, supportive... what else?!?! And it's not like I just stay at home waiting for things to happen; I've asked out several guys before and they all rejected me. I mean, I'm fucking awesome, plain as that, and so I thought it was my weight, so I went ahead and lost fifty pounds, but I'm not a twink or otter so is that where I need to go to be visible?

Maybe I'm putting to much hope into this birthday thing, but really, what else do I need to do get my first kiss? Do I need to tap into my "inner boyfriend" to find out why guys aren't attracted to me? I'm a hoot and a half and yet invisible to the gays. What more do they want?!?! *crying*

I'm seriously getting to the Liz Lemon point, except I don't even have a Dennis. I'll just throw all my frustration into my career. I'll be the most successful software developer with billions of dollars and still be a virgin. I'll have a million friends who after I die will say, "It's a shame he never had a kiss..." Seriously, I don't even care if I get a gold digger boyfriend who steals all my money, I just want to feel the touch of lips upon mine at least once in my life...

Life blows chunks... blerg...

Oh also! So I went to the open mic night for national coming out week on campus and one of my friends was saying how he doesn't do labels anymore. Then, at game nite, I was telling them that I had a break thru with who I am, and they were all like, "What's with all these labels?" Do you think that could be my problem? Cause I recently came to terms that I'm a bear. I'm hairy and overweight. I don't look young enough to be a cub. I also reasoned that I don't have the basics of being a queer down, but I do know how to be a culture gay, so really, I'm like a book-smart gay as opposed to a street-smart gay. But are all these labels unnecessary?

Call me old fashioned, but a gay's a gay. They aren't supposed to like boobs. I don't. And yet there's all these people around being like, "I'm gay and I love boobies!!!" So many people are all fluid, heteroflexible, pansexual, bisexual, queer, or no label. They don't look for what's physically there. But I know that I don't want to be with a girl. So I feel like I need the label gay. But all these others, I'm just trying to figure out why I haven't had a first kiss... I'm really, really confused, and sad, and frustrated, and blerg...

Again, life blows big, meaty, chunks...

TTYL

You Don't Know What It's Like...

2011-10-06T22:53:00.000-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

I don't know what is happening but the universe needs to take a chill pill... ok, not universe, more me...

I did it again... "Loose lips cost lives" much? Yeah... I totes was talking without thinking and offended my really good friend Hannah and now I feel terrible cause I normally don't say things like that (I hope!) and I really like having Hannah as a friend.

Also, I don't know what it is but I'm really feeling randy again and I keep being like, "Hannah! Dude at four o'clock! So hot!" I'm disgusting... Maybe it's just that time of the month (jk) or maybe it's that I think I'm making progress with my crush... Who knows!?!? All I know is, I'm a bear... a nerdy bear... a nerdy bear with new nerdy glasses...

//————Scene Change————//

I just had a midterm for systems (the weeder course for cs majors) and not gonna lie, I think I did really well. They had a practice test for us to do and Hannah and I did the entire thing and understood all of it! And the actual test was really, really similar! So that's good! I really wanna see what I got on the test so bad...

I really am a bitch I think... I don't want to be, but you know what? Those are the ones that get dates and have first kisses in the queer community... blerg...

//————Scene Change————//

Yes, another Scene Change. Sorry... My blog, my rules! :-P

So Blog Action Day is coming up. If only we were farther along in my Environment & Society class cause then I could make an ejamakated post on the issue at hand; It's food. Later in the semester, we're going to be talking about environmental sociology and agriculture. It's too soon!!! Oh well, another year gone and I get to try and make an educated argument elegantly without actually do so. I suppose that's how the cookie crumbles...

REALLY, it's quite uncomfortable hearing me saying how randy I am, don't chya think? I'm gross, it's fine...

TTYL

Not Quite Qualified

2011-10-04T00:33:00.000-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

This past weekend was a success: For Megan's 21^st Birthday, I threw her a smashing party! It was quite intense tho since I live in one bedroom and we had about fifteen people in my living room having a good time. It sure was a lot of work, and I sorta bought way too much food... but I think it was worth it! Megan had lots of fun and so did the guests. Altho, I don't think I'll be throwing that sorta party for a while...

//————Scene Change————//

So have you ever felt like you're not doing enough? Maybe I'm feeling this way because I'm not working anymore. I went to a couple events put on by Career Services here on campus to sorta see what I need to do to get an internship. The first event was a panel of recruiters telling us what to do and not to do when applying for jobs, attending a career fair, how to act during an interview, etc. That one was really interesting.

Today, I attended a Résumé Critique. That was... well, it was a double edged sword: I signed in so they could match me with a professional in my field—which happened to be a guy from Pandora—which was really cool, yet at the same time, he was telling me what I needed to do... which was far away from where I'm at... Okay, so I just transferred into cs which means I don't have that much experience under my belt. I have literally, no projects under my belt, which makes me feel super unqualified for an internship!

Back to my point: I feel like there's so much more I should be doing to make myself more marketable. I need to work on a billion projects—ranging from iPhone dev to software dev—I need to make an online résumé—from scratch—and I need to learn a billion more languages and technologies! Really, I feel quite overwhelmed, but really it's just too soon for an internship. By taking these classes, I'll learn and work on all of this. It does make me feel better that I actually do have a project I'm working on that I can put on my résumé (that website for my brother-in-law). It also makes me feel better that I am learning Ruby and that I'm making the website with Rails—with the former and the latter being widely popular in the Boulder Dev community. Also, by making this website, I can also work on my résumé website at the same time...

...which leads me to my next point: Now, I don't know how many of my readers are computer types, but, I guess the thing-to-do for cs or web dev folk is to have a professional website as an online résumé/portfolio of work. This makes me freak out. As you can see from this blog, my design skills are... rudimentary. Now I love color theory and I stumble thru way too many graphic design pages, but for some reason, I really just can't seem to make something cool. Maybe this Rails language is my ticket out of the slums. Maybe I need to give up my beloved Fireworks and learn Photoshop. I need to just breath and take things as they come, like my midterm on Thursday... blerg...

TTYL

Not Jelly At All

2011-09-24T03:07:00.001-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Ok, so I have to tell you about Tracks last Thursday! So this whole new mantra of mine, you know, the whole, "I'm not gunna fit the gay stereotype and just be myself"? Well, I think it's starting to work wonders upon myself. So last Thursday, I drove three people who never have been to Tracks, and one of which was a gay male freshman. (Inorite?!?! Jealous much? But not!) So we get to the club and within about ten minutes of being there, the freshmen gay male who never has been there is mackin' on some dude! And the best part?!?!?! I wasn't jealous! No, seriously, I wasn't legitly jealous of him! I think this new "mantra" or whatever is really gunna work for me! I know I do a lot of these sort of declarations but I think this one's gunna work. Like, I went to a stoplight party just now, (actually I'm blogging straight after that, which could be hazardous) and of course I wore green. Yet, at the same time, I knew the guys who came would not be interested in a bear like me. And I was right! I pretty much hung out with the people I knew, yet at the same time, the guys I didn't know, so like the new freshmen, didn't come talk to me.

So here's the cool part: I didn't feel bad after the party that nothing happened. I didn't feel sorry that I didn't get lucky! Even with the freshmen at Tracks, I sorta felt proud that he got lucky! I really think I'm growing! I know you're probably thinking, "Oh, he's crazy..." but I really did feel that way! I didn't feel jealous at all! I think I've convinced my self conscious that nothing remotely romantic will happen until I turn twenty-one in two months, if that. But, I legitly, had a fun time at Tracks last Thursday and a blasty-blast at the stoplight party.

Ok, so with the Stop Light party, it was fun, yet not everyone was participating in the theme, which was crap. Yet, as I just said above, I knew nothing would happen, so nothing did happen, so we're good, in a way...

I don't know if I'm making sense... I'm sorry, but this one dude... Ok, so this new guy... we'll call cs-dude... So, he's really awesome, and I think we really have a connection and everything—No, like, we really have a connection—and yet he keeps telling me that he has a girlfriend, who's studying in France this semester. He even went out of his way to tell me that his girlfriend decided they have an "open relationship", in which it would be all right if he made out with some random person. He's really cute—No, like really cute—and he's funny—like, really funny—and I think we really have a connection. Yet, every time he mentions that he has a girlfriend—which is sorta my fault since I really want to date him so I ask him those sort of questions—I die a little inside. I really wish he was (1) Single and (2) Attracted to men, [I learned today,{since today was National Celebrate Bisexuality Day} that guys don't have to be strictly-dickly, but they can be bi/pan/fluid, as long as they are interested in guys, I'm good.]

YET! I'm hanging out with him in the off chance he decides that his "open relationship" can include a guy like me. I realized earlier today that the whole reason I wanted to join him at a concert for his class was because of him; That I didn't really care to see the concert or didn't see the awesome-ness of seeing my friends from freshmen year because I really just wanted to spend time with him! I see that I shouldn't do that since it's the whole, gay-guy-chasing-the-straight-dude-dead-end scenario. And yet, with the whole new mantra and everything, I'm still doing that dead-end track. Blerg... I suppose, even with the whole new mantra and everything, I can't break my age-old habits...

Well, some people believe that I'll have my first kiss during college, while I don't think so... I don't know why, but I just have this sinking feeling that since Boulder is so twinkishthat no one would be interested in my body type so I won't have my first kiss during college. (Altho, if one of those twinks would be interested in bears, I think I could make it work. Truthfully, most twinks just have the body of a twink, whereas they don't have the mind of a twink.) I mean, at the party tonight, I definitely found plenty of dudes that I wouldn't mind sharing my first kiss with, yet I just don't know how to make that happen without being creepy... I really really wish there was a course on "How to Get Lucky for the Slightly Chubby Gay Man"... I would so take that class...

I'm sad and all since I've never been kiss and yet at the same time am all right with that... weird...

TTYL

Thinkin' Nerdy

2011-09-19T22:24:00.000-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

New frame of mind! I know I have a lot of these, but this one is the most healthy, I think: So, screw trying to fit the gay stereotype! I'm going to be myself, which is a big nerd! Aha! What do you think? I've stopped thinking, "Oh, why don't I have a boyfriend?!?!" and started thinking, "If I translated a three letter word into hexadecimal using the ASCII system, what color would that be?" Personally, I think this is the best frame of mind I've come up with! It's healthy, it involves me being myself, and it involves my major!

Well, that's really all I wanted to share. School is great! Just learning, which is so much fun now for some reason. I don't think I've ever enjoyed school this much. I love having a major now! (How long until that becomes annoying? :-P )

[Oh and btw — if you take the words "GAY" and "gay", convert them to hexadecimal numbers, add them, you get the color this is written in. I find it humorous that it's a purple color!]

TTYL

Awesome Department Tales

2011-09-06T00:31:00.000-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Two weeks down... School is AWESOME, btw, nbd...

Now that I'm officially a Computer Science major in the College of Engineering & Applied Science (LOVE!) I'm taking all these awesome CS classes and I'm receiving all these cool department emails! LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! I truly think I found what I want to do with my life! And who knew? Well, my mom and sister for one... They noticed that I never sat and fiddled with any instruments in my free time; I was always on the computer fiddling away! I mean, look at me now! I'm blogging instead of composing! Such a better choice...

So my classes take up a lot of time... and I like it. I haven't exercised in about two weeks... and I'm ok with it, since I'm spending my time learning CS type things. OH! I have to tell you about my favorite class!!! In a nutshell, it's basically what-would-you-like-to-learn-in-the-computer-science-field? Inorite?! It's a one credit hour class where the teacher works with you one-on-one to point you in the right direction to help you learn whatever you want within computer science! I decided that I really should complete my education with web languages so I can make my brother-in-law's website awesome and actually up and running. Next semester, I want to take the class again and learn how to make video games. I think that would be just the bee's knees to try and figure out how to do! you can literally follow my updates here, since that's actually how I get graded in the class!

All my other classes are also going well... Except for possibly my two math classes, solely based on the subject. Altho, they aren't calculus, so I have very high hopes for both fo them. My environment and society class is nice break from my technical classes. It's very, "What do you think? How did you interpret the reading for today?" I love it 'cause it's so easy!

Oh! Good story! So if you aren't in the know, Google has one of it's main offices right here in Boulder, CO. And since they are so close, they have lot's of interactions with my department. (I love saying that...) My professer basically said when asked why is Google sponsoring the ice cream for our department's welcome-back-ice-cream-social, "Google loves to throw money at us, just 'cause." And free swag! I totes got a Google pen, Google lip balm, and a Google pin that flashes lights when turned on! (...) I absolutely LOVE being in the CS department, not only cause they have awesome people in it, but it's really, really interesting!

Well, that's school. Last weekend, I went on the GLBTQ RC's leadership retreat. It was great, partly because most of the leaders there weren't part of the RC clique, so I felt like we really got to make some great connections with people who actually want to build community. Also, I just got to meet and get to know some really awesome people thru really intense and personal conversations. I like those... to a point.

This past weekend, Labor day weekend... well after a really fun "get together with friends", I am now closer to my family and a certain friend after that one night. Ask me how in person! It's really rather embarrassing...

Well! Now that the updates are out of the way, I just wanted to go back to the whole not-working-out-and-liking-it bit. I want to ask, is this what I'm supposed to be doing? 'Cause I mean, of course it would be great to get a boyfriend and all, and people keep telling me my weight is not an issue and I keep telling myself that I have a f*ing awesome personality. But this whole loving-my-major-and-wanting-to-spend-most-of-my-free-time-on-it bit is really making my mind focus on that instead of the bf bit. And I feel happier now, cause this is so much more fulfilling than worrying about my love handles. I think, I will try and still work out, cause I know that if I just keep going I will lose my love handles, but I won't obsess over it. (hopefully) I'll have my first kiss when it's time. And come on: I'm taking a weeder course that made me take a leave from my job to focus my attention on; I clearly do not have time for a boyfriend or to actively search for. Gurl, pa-LEAZ! ;-)

TTYL

Dairy Coma

2011-08-19T22:05:00.004-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

For the past week, I was in Vermont visiting my best friend from high school. For this post, the photos are from that trip that I took using Instagram, which is amazing btw... :-P

Well! Parts of it was fun... Ok, I had a fun hanging out with her and stuff, it's just, Vermont, if y'all don't know, is more or less just farms. She literally lived next to about three different corn fields. Dairy farms everywhere, it was literally like they took Kansas and put them in the foothills! Yeah, I'm tots a city person at heart...

We did go up to Montréal which was a blasty-blast! I really wouldn't mind spending a week or so living in the heart of it and just exploring the city! It was so much fun! Montréal is such a pretty city! I loved how everything was more or less in French! And Vieux Montréal was really cute! We weren't able to go to PrideFest and I'm spacing the reason why we didn't go... But I loved how it was quartered. There was the International Quarter, the Latin Quarter, Little Italy, The Village, Old Montréal, etc. I don't know why I'm so attracted to cities that are so organized... jk, just figured out why... Love! I tots wanna live and work in a city in Québec! I just tots think it would be fun to live in another country, speaking a different language, and Québec just sounds like the most realistic option! J'adore Canada...

In Vermont, we also did a tour of the Ben & Jerry's factory which was super legit. Also, there's this berry farm we went to where you pick the berries and then you just pay for what you picked! Blueberries are in season and they had about four different varieties. We picked a bunch and then made smoothies and coffee cake with them. They also had raspberries, and strawberries, but they weren't in season.

Oh! Have you been to Vermont? It's so funny! In pretty much every place of business, they also sell wine! All the gas stations had wine, all the supermarkets and drugstores, and we even went into a music store, like they sold guitars, pianos, drums... and wine! So funny! There were also a few vineyards that gave tours and tastings through out the state. Also, apparently VT has the highest number of microbreweries per capata out of the all the states in the union. I thought that was the 303, but nope!

My friend has family out in VT and NY. I think that was one of the reasons they moved (they recently just moved out there). The cousin that lives in VT actually builds boats, like sail boats and such. He actually took us out sailing on Lake Champlain, which was oodles of fun, actually! I wonder if I grew up near the ocean or a big lake like that if I would have been into sailing... I really liked it and I wouldn't mind doing more like that and learning how to as well. It really was fun!

There's this museum there called the Shelburne Museum which is basically a fifty acre museum. They had period houses and such all over and in each house was a different exhibit. They had a cabin filled with old riffles and muskets, another house with buggies and carrgies, another with fasion, another with flatwear, etc. There was a lot! There also is a steamboat you can go thru that used to carry passengers between VT and NY across the lake. They also had a light house they had moved and a turn of the century carasol! Oh! My favorite part was the train! They had moved an old train station and a train that used to transport people thru out the state. That was our one culture day, and it was fun!

Over all, I think I had a fun time in Vermont, but I sure am glad to be home! (ok so the next photo isn't from the trip but it is fitting!)

TTYL

Late Nite

2011-08-06T22:51:00.002-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Summer Semester is over... I turned in my application to transfer into the College of Engineering and Applied Science, and I shall know by mid August. Blerg! So nervious! And on Tuesday, I fly out to spend a week with my best friend from high school! And right now, I'm just enjoying my summer.

I don't know if you've heard today's musical selection, but I rather quite enjoy it! I feel like this is tots-mcgoats gonna be me in a few months. I had an experience this past Thursday, (It was my last day of class and I had turned in my final project. [read between the lines as you may like.]) and what with the combination of having that much fun and adding this amazing song to my library, made for a happy ending. Also, I see many late nights as a computer scientist in my future as well.

Three months, eight days.

On an unrelated note: I've started watching Dr. Who, which is quite an entertaining show. Also, I can't wait to start watching Torchwood. If you don't know why, I think you need to see who Captain Jack Harkness is. Smashing!

I love my life...

TTYL

Ninja-tastic!

2011-07-30T22:50:00.004-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

I don't even know where to begin!

My class is really intense! So I'm taking a computer science course, it's called Data Structures. It's really interesting and it's making me realize I really found what I want to do. It's really hard tho, and yet I really like it. Each assignment takes anywhere from ten to thirteen hours to complete. This last week, my professor decided to call that week, "Assignment Bootcamp" in which we had an assignment due each day. I literally spent my entire week in CSEL (it's a computer lab in the Computer Science wing of the College of Engineering). My friends and I have been working non stop till really late at night and still waking up for his eight am class. The cool part was he realized it's been really intense and he pushed all the dead lines back a day and canceled class last Wednesday. But now that week is over and I don't have as much homework! And I only have a week left of class! Then Vermont! Whoot!

The bad thing about this past week is I haven't exercised at all! And I was finally getting in a really good work out each day! Blerg! Well, now I can focus on it again! (Hopefully!)

Went to Tracks this last Thursday with pretty much all of SAGE. It was me and about nine other gay guys going and it was a blasty-blast. Most of them were pretty wasted that night and it was almost like all cards were on the table. I finally felt like I was included and they were all talking really upfront with me. I don't know how to describe it. And I have to say my opinions changed after that night. For the guys I didn't think very highly of, I know have new found respect for and the opposite as well. It was a rather interesting nite! Oh! And it's made me really think about some things... like personal things... I really want to download that night with someone... can't over the Internet...

Well, I think I'm headed to bed! Opening at work tomorrow! :-)

TTYL

Quizes, Quizzes, Quizzzes...

2011-07-11T16:41:00.010-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Instead of pictures inbetween paragraphs, I decided to go with quizes. I was taking a break from coding...

You Are a Social Blogger!

Your blog is more of a semi-private affair for your friends.

You don't consider yourself a journalist. Your blog is more of a diary.

Your blog is how you keep in touch... sharing stories, jokes, and pics.

No one outside your social circle probably gets your blog, but they're not supposed to!

What Kind of Blogger Are You?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

Currently I am taking Computer Programming II: Data Structures, which more or less is I'm further learning C++ and also how to practice OOP. This class is almost infinitely more difficult than the last class, which was the basics of C++ and was a breeze. The cool thing is I've found a group of guys that I've started to have coding sessions with—you know, to work on homework, discuss solutions, talk technology with, etc. (I can barely contribute to that last topic... )
Take the quiz:
What type of gay guy are you?

You are the committed type! You like to have one boy and you don't want to share him. You don't need anyone else but him. You're into sleeping with him every night and no one else.
Quiz by JustGuys.net - Free Gay Personals. Take the quiz

So the other day, we spent five hours sitting and coding. We could not get our programs to do what our professor was wanting. It was fun, altho we couldn't get the answer. I really like this class, even tho it's really tricky. I think I really found my major! I just like how there's a lot of problem solving involved and the fact that I was able to form a group and work on my homework is also a great plus! This is probably the first class I've ever had study sessions for. It's really exciting!

You Are a Geek

You're a total brain, and you're smart enough to know that glamour is often skin deep at best.

You do your own thing, and you ignore what the crowd is into. You're much happier that way.

You probably have an amazing set of interests and friends. So what if you're on the weird side?

And just because you're a geek, it doesn't mean you're cool. You could be a "chic geek."

Are You Geek or Chic?

Blogthings: Quizzes and Tests and Memes, Oh My!

Well, now I have to figure out what to talk about cause I picked to many quizes and now have to many fillers and not enough content! Ugh! Let's see... I've been really busy with this class. And work. I took someone's shift this past weekend and I ended up clopening. This next weekend HP7 comes out. Sorta blows becuase of how mainstream it is, I'm scheduled to work Friday thru Monday. And I clopen again on Saturday/Sunday. All I can think about is how much my next paycheck will be... It's gonna be nice... So glad I don't have school on Friday, so I can sleep in!

Take the quiz:
What will your dream boyfriend be like?

Your dream boyfriend will be a surfer. He'll be tanned, toned and laid back. This outdoorsy type is free spirited and lets it all hang out. His passion for surfing keeps him in perfect shape for riding the waves, or riding you!
Quiz by JustGuys.net - Free Gay Personals. Take the quiz

Ok, so point-blank: I forgot how amazing the rec-center is!!! I went to another class, (and this time I actually had workout clothes so I wasn't actually sweating as much and I didn't look foolish.) and I was actually able to keep up! Fiona had to work, so when I finished, I went and told her this and she was saying that the lady does an easier routine on Tuesdays and a harder one on Thursdays. It was fun! And I feel like I had a great workout! And I had a request! My dear friend Kyle asked when these classes are, so they can be found here! Yeah, I used that page and made a whole calendar just for those classes on in my calendar application. I made it, well partially since Fiona said it was a good idea, and it is! I can see which classes my schedule doesn't conflict with and then go take them! I'm thinking I for sure will get an aerobics pass so I can take any class I want all semester long!

Your Sexuality is French

The average French person first has sex at age 17.

And the average number of partners is 8.

53% of French people are happy with their sex lives.

And 50% of France feels confident asserting themselves in bed.

What Country Matches Your Sexuality?

Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

So, yeah! That's what's been going on! I really am excited for my class/getting sexy at the rec/making money/hanging with friends and all that jazz. Altho, this eight am is really messing with my sleeping patterns and the ability to hang with friends in the evening, so I don't know how I feel about that... Hopefully, these next couple of weeks will make me more comfortable with the idea of waking up early.

You Should Date A Swede!

You're a romantic, albeit an understated and practical one.

It's more about a steady partnership for you, not unrestrained falling

Your Swede will give you the unwavering love you crave

While making up some mean pancakes and meatballs on the side!

Which Foreign Guy Should You Date?

Blogthings: We're Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

And can I just mention the above quiz result?! Swede? Swede?! I just find it funny! Well, not funny so much but more along the lines of most peoples' definition of interesting. Part of me, granted it being really small, always thought it would be cool to learn Swedish. First off, ABBA is Swedish and I LOVE ABBA! I love the 70s! Also the country as a whole is very gay friendly. I definitly would consdier moving there just to be treated like every other citizen. Lastely, Basshunter: Not only does he produce some really bodacious music, he is pure sex. Not gonna lie...

You Should Be With a Fire Sign

Your best match is an Aries, Leo, or Sagittarius

You like a partner who's intense and even a little dominating. You want to be seduced.

There's nothing you like better than someone being completely and totally into you.

You are not an easy one to catch, so you need a bold partner who is up to the challenge.

What Sign Should You Be With?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

This one also made me giggle! Now, I know my Astrology quite well, actually. Since I am a water sign, ideally, I would be great with an earth or water sign. Fire, on the other hand, wouldn't be quite as good. I did read a theory once that since we wouldn't really get along fundamentally, because of the friction, it actually would be quite exciting and productive. I feel like since Scorpios like intensity and passion, it might be quite exhilarating to date a fire sign, actually. Then again, I really just want to date period!

TTYL

One More Time

2011-07-08T12:33:00.008-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Interesting...

So, I sorta went for it. I was at tracks with the guy I wanted to ask out. We ended up in this sorta bar/loungy area and we sat and talked for a while. I was still trying to figure him out, such as, what kind of guy would he be interested in. Get this—He likes the twinks. Inorite? So I asked him what if he found a guy with the best personality, but wasn't quite a twink? (aka - me?) He said that the physical attraction needs to be there and with out that, you're pretty much just hanging out with a friend. I was going to ask him out, but he was saying what was pretty sound logic. He said, he didn't see the difference between a date and just hanging out with a friend. I did end up asking if he would ever be interested in a guy like me, and he said that he likes me as a friend, but the physical attraction is not there; and because it's not there, if we did go out, and we called it a "date" there wouldn't be any more to it because the physical attraction isn't there.

Well, now I can stop focusing on him, right? And he is a really cool friend, so I'm glad he kinda let me down easy and wasn't totally offended. Meh! Oh well. Next time, right?

Let's see... so I had that plan, right? And I even went out clothes shopping with my dear friend, Natalie. I don't get to use it this weekend, but at least I have some dressy-esque clothes, just in case, right?

//————Scene Change————//

Yesterday, I visited my other dear friend, Fiona, at work. Where does she work? The Rec Center on campus. It was fun! She gave me a legit tour and everything! I finally found the actual free weights room, which I was wanting. Altho! Oh my it was fun! Fiona invited me to tag along to this step/body sculpting class. It was only three bucks and was really, really fun! I think that was the best cardio I've ever done! I literally was drenched in sweat! Not to gross you out, but it looked like a giant picked me up and dipped me in the pool up to my knees. Yeah, it was a great workout! And it was fun! We had a step and we had to do all these different kinds of moves and there was music! And the instructor, she sounded like a recording. I found it funny. "You can do it!" "Turn step! 5... 4... 3.. " She was a hoot-and-a-half!

I really want to do it again. I think I need to start utilizing those classes so I can really focus on my weight loss. In high school, I became more fit from weight class than marching band ever did. Also, the classes are only three dollars! Oh! And I really want to learn sports. I think it would be fun to do some intramural stuff. (Granted I really don't see myself actually doing it, but it's the thought that matters! :-)

TTYL

Non-Isolationist Independence Day Indeed

2011-07-05T22:00:00.008-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Hey guys! Happy (Bleated) Independence Day! I had a blasty-blast!

So Natalie had a BBQ, and I was able to make my brats and baked beans, so that was awesome! It was pretty chill. And Megan was there cause she came back from Bulgaria! It was pretty legit! Later, My coworker, Jesse, came over and we all went to Scott Carpenter Park to watch the Folsom Fireworks which was fun!

Also! My sister and brother-in-law have been staying with me for the past couple of days, which has been pretty fun! I think this is what my sister needed since she had her board exam (which is an eight hour test) last friday, and she's been pulling 14 hour days of nonstop studying. And my cousin, Hayley, came up with her bf and her friend and they joined us for the fireworks.

I was kinda thinking about America, like you do, and I actually do feel a sort of patriotism. Inorite? Me! Crazy! I do have it! I was jelous that Canada has a the maple leaf as a symbol for their country and we didn't have one. But then I remembered! Stars! So I actually have a ring that has stars on them which stands for America.

I can be patriotic! It's true—granted, when I take pride in our country, I think back to when I took AP American History, and my favorite century, the 1800s. I loved it! (Now bare with me, it's been about four years since I had that class). I loved how that was like the era of invention, the industrial revolution, the alphabet soup of organization creation, and romanticism was still occurring. Also, one of my favorite sci-fi styles, steampunk, is based of the 1800s. I liked that part of our countries history the best, I think. Besides the 1960s-70s...

Anywho! Happy Fourth Everyone!

Now that that's out of the way... My new class started today. I'm pretty excited about it! Except for the whole eight am thing... But i'm psyched none the less!

...and boy trouble... So I told you about that guy? Possibly. Since I've not been using names, I think it might be hard to remember. Well, there's this guy that I've spent quite some time with—seeing movies, going out to eat, going to Tracks with, etc.—and we've talked about a lot of things and I think we have a lot in common. I think the biggest thing is we both want to be in a relationship (at least I think so) and we're both hardcore romantics. He's not the guy from when we were still in school, btw. But it's been a while and I've been flirting with him, and he's been flirting back nicely. But, now I don't know what to do. So! Can you guys help? This poll will last about a week. Any advice is greatly appreciated! Please and thank you all for your help!

//————Several Hours Later————//

Yeah... I decided to just go for it. I think he and I really click, and I feel the chemistry is there... he he he... I guess that's only funny to me at this point in time...

Natalie and I went clothes shopping for when he says yes. I will be looking damn sexy, btw... nbd...

TTYL

Stupid Macho Man

2011-06-28T15:20:00.012-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Ok, so if there was a mashup between these two songs, that would be what I'm feeling right now... sorta... [If they don't load it's Macho Man by the Village People and Stupid Girl by P!nk.]

Let me teach you a game. If you are a gay man, you start out with five gay cards. If you say anything hetero or masculine without saying "no hetero" afterwards, you loose a gay card. If you are a straight man you start out with five man cards. If you say anything homo or feminine, without saying "no homo" afterwards, you loose a man card. That's a game we play at work. I need to stop, because I'm realizing it's effecting the way I see the gay community in an unhealthy way. Granted it's just a game we play but it's having some negative consequences.

I know this post is pretty much diametreically opposed to the last one, but just bear with me. For some reason, I caught myself with this logic: Gay man and masculine man cannot coexist in the same person. If you have any body/facial hair, any pudge, or no finese, you are allowed to be gay. The only place were this intersection is allowed is in the bear community. It's really bothering me that that's how where my mind was taking me. That to be gay you have to be a femine twink, and any standard deviations outside of the mean is unacceptable. Maybe it's cause of that game we play at work, but maybe it's just that I live in Boulder, or for that matter, Colorado: The fittest state in the Union.

I think I said something not as intesne but hinting to this mindset yesterday at work to my one manager who is gay and he sorta went off on me that there are non-bear gays our there that like the stockier, harier men. I really think this is probably true, but, I think they aren't on campus, and they definitly at twink town, otherwise known as Tracks. I really think they are out there, but I need to be twenty-one so I can go to where those kinds of gays are, ie. JR's or Charlie's.

I was sorta spiraling before I went on my bike ride cause I kinda feel of the wagon. I say this because I hadn't ridden my since last thursday. I didn't on Friday cause my schedule didn't permit, Saturday was our SAGE hike [more on this after], Sunday I told myself I was "recouping" from the hike, yesterday, I made some lame excuse that I was tired and needed to rest before work. Which brings us to today. I did end up going on my hike, cause, in the back of my mind was Elle Woods saying

Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.

[Not really the shooting people part but more the exercise makes you happy part, just so we're clear] ... and since I was spiraling, I told myself I should get some endorphins. But I had to cut it short cause my handlebar has gotten loose so I can't really bike until I fix it since it's all loosy-goosy. And I was right. After my bike ride, I don't feel like I'm spiraling as much now. I'm starting to realize that my logic, is indeed, fallible. All I can do is be myself. I alone have the power to create that intersectionality, without being a bear, by just being me. I do not need to subscribe to the Boulder Twinks. They do not represent me, therefore they do not represent the entire gay community, as much as they believe they do. Hairy Hefty Gay Men do exsist in the gay community, and they do not have to be bears.

//————Several Hours Later————//

Just got back from seeing the Green Lantern with Natalie and I feel 10x better. I also got tools to fix my bike and some saftey lites to ride at nite. I really need more endorphins tho, so I'm gonna go on my bike ride! Post pictures later! :-)

TTYL

Cronkite Looking for Other Cronkites

2011-06-22T15:33:00.004-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Currently, I am on my bike ride. There's this little bench I bike to as my turning around point that's one quarter in my ride, since from here, I cannot do a loop back. It's a nice little bench next to boulder creek, in which with the combination of the sound of the creek plus the cool shade makes for a quite tranquil atmosphere.

So I'm deciding to blog right here, right now.

I had another revelation. So I think I mentioned this to a few people already but I realized earlier that I could never have a body of a twink. This also came with the fact that I don't think I could really date a twink. This came after I noticed the fruits of my labor of biking every day. Like, I'm starting to have pretty nice guns. Like, get your tickets to the gun show soon cause they're about to sell out.

Keeping that realization in mind, PrideFest was last weekend. At this point in time, nearly everyone has uploaded thier pride pics. At first, glancing thru their pics, as usual, I started to become jealous; you know, "Why am I not that thin? How come I'm never invited to tag along" etc. But, I go to this one pic where I knew one out of the seven guys. They are all hardcore twinks. Personality wise, I don't know, but on a pure physical level, it's a twink-con five. That previous realization came to me. "Why am I jealous of these guys?" I thought. "I have no way of becoming that anorexia like skinny, and I personally don't find it that attractive. I prefer men, you know, not teenage girls. There has to be other guys that like what I like, so why am I jealous of them?"

It was at that point in which I think I freed myself. I'm sexy and I'm a little chubby. Some guys out there have to like me for my body shape as it stands. Now don't get me wrong, I'm still going for my goal, but now I can start loving my body for what it is instead of hating it for what it's not.

I'm sexy the way I am.

It's perfectly alright that some people self identify as a twink and it's perfectly alright some guys are into that. Personally, I like men, so I prefer the ones where if we crash I'm the Andes mountains, we might survive for a couple weeks, you know? I do realize that it's the filling that makes a great donut, so I will love my boyfriend for what is inside of the box and not how it's wrapped. But since I keep comparing myself on the outside to others on the outside, I can cease and desist immediately and not put myself down for not being a just-cut-from-the-mold-twink cause I'm a cronkite, who prefers other cronkites, and not tassels.

TTYL

MaxiPride

2011-06-19T19:39:00.002-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Um... My friend Kyle just introduced me to the music of Unicorn Kid, who does chiptunes. This was brought on at Film on the Rocks, where I was telling him how I absolutely love the 8-bit song at the end of the credits. This led to me wikipediaing this genre of music, realizing how simple it is since it's basically what game music started with. As such, I am sorta determined now to figure out how I can compose music in the style of 8-bit threw programming a C++ program. WIN!

Oh jeeze... Today was PrideFest. Before today, I was getting a little nostalgic, particularly thinking about what I was going to be doing for pride. I kept thinking of that Queer As Folk episode where everyone celebrates pride in their own way, such as one volunteered at a AIDS home, one dressed in drag for the parade, one marched in the parade, another partied hard, etc. I was just pondering over how I was volunteering and how a lot of my friends I know were each doing something different.

So, I woke at three am today to get ready and such, picked up Danny and went down to PrideFest. We got there and chilled for a while, since we still had quite some time to chill before the parade began. This year, Danny, this one girl and I we're in charge of a seventh of the parade. We had to line up each participant in order and then walk with them to make sure it flowed smoothly. It was pretty fun, since all the people were really chillax about the parade.

By the time it was over, Danny and I were exhausted! I was really excited for the Chipotle burritos—since Chipotle is the largest sponsor of PrideFest overall we had them donated—except the new volunteer coordinator was a complete b. She only let people have half a burrito even tho there was so many more than the volunteers. Also, I guess I kind of let her down but she asked if we were going to keep going, and I was like, well, I was thinking about going till close. Yet after eating and chilling, I became really exhausted and Danny as well, so I told her I didn't think I was going to keep volunteering and she almost bit my head off. She was telling me how I need to keep that in mind for next year, and only sign up for what I can do and how she now is down two whole volunteers! (Eventho I only signed up for the parade anyway...) It was intense... The entire volunteer HQ had a very tense tone and she was very ridged. I guess last year was the last year for chillax volunteering...

Afterwards, Danny and I met up with the SAGE boys, which is was really fun, cause they were all more or less wasted/hungover and very entertaining to be around. I can't wait until I become legal so I can have those experiences as well. Also, I'm thinking by the time I become legal, I'll be at my goal, as long as I keep biking at least nine miles a day each and every day of summer.

So, here I am, exhausted, at home, and I'm feeling... what am I feeling... a little depressed, but not quite the depression I usually feel after pride. Altho, I truly felt like I was really apart of SAGE today, like, I really felt like I belonged and such. That felt awesome! :-)

TTYL

About Last Nite...

2011-06-17T13:52:00.003-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Last nite was quite an eye-opener for me. I went with a group of friends down to Tracks. It was really cool cause, since it is Pride weekend, they had expanded into the neighboring warehouse and created a massive club. They also had a carnival theme, complete with carnivalesque foods, games and face painting. I had never seen Tracks like that before.

So the part that was eye-opening was myself. As the nite progressed, I dramatically became more and more astutely aware of my body. I thought I had become increasingly okay with my body, but that was not the case. Last nite, I even fled the dance floor to the outside to find a place to sit and began to cry. Apparently I still have quite a way to go. I didn't realize I had supersede all those feelings for this long and they finally came to the surface last nite. I feel terrible for my friends. I feel so bad for exposing them to my insecurities. It's just been really hard lately, since I've been doing many real world gay things. By that I mean, I went to the Center in Denver for volunteer orientation, and afterwards toured the Gayborhood, and went to Tracks. Normally-or shall I say lately-my contact with the gays is contained within the Boulder campus bubble. And then what with PrideFest this weekend, all the gays are all a flutter and bringing their bodies to complete perfection.

Granted, before last nite, I was telling Fiona the nite before how I've started to notice that I am slimming down; that I feel my calves and I've never felt them this slim before; that I weighed myself on my scale in the middle of the day-which is when you don't weigh the least-and I was rite at 200lbs; that I think I'm flirting well with this one guy and showing him my awesome guns. The point is, by biking about eight to nine miles a day for the past two weeks, I'm starting to notice the fruits of my labor.

But about last nite... I'm starting to think I have more emotionally rooted issues of which I should probably deal with. I suppose they might go away when I'm at my goal, yet part of me feels I should attend those body issue groups the WRC has.

Also, I was chillin' before my class today in the EC lobby, and I was pondering over last nite, while people watching. I think I had a break thru, but my thinking could be flaws: The majority of the people in the College of Engineering are male, and I have extreme body issues and am a homo. Its always been really hard for me to have guy friends. What if the reason I cannot seem to have guy friends-or lovers for that matter- is because I'm constantly comparing myself to them? I feel self conscience around most males cause I'm always comparing myself to them. Does this logic follow?

On an unrelated, diametrically opposed attitude note: I got my midterm back and I received an 86% with a the class average of 68% and a possible curve of 10%! That midterm was 40% of my overall grade so that makes me feel just peaches and cream! Hopefully, if this keeps going, I may be able to transfer into the College of Engineering and fulfill my dream of majoring in Computer Science. Yay me!

TTYL

Beat of My Drum

2011-06-11T17:36:00.007-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

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(Note: This song is amazing, and a really great self-esteem booster. As such, I have decided to go ahead and make this the sound track of my "Bring Sexy Back" Summer, cause I want everyone to dance to the beat of my drum. [In addition to that, I jsut want to mention that I first heard this song on Gaydar Radio, {Which is amazing so I'm linking this right now so you all can enjoy it with me} and since they are based in London, this song will probably become popular at Tracks and the gays here in a couple months. I am calling it here and now.])

Oh my! A lot has happened for the past couple weeks! To start off, I just wanted to say how much I love summer! Especially in Boulder! Each day, I've gone to class (on the days I had class), gone home, gotten on my bike and bike ~four miles, came home, lifted weights and then done something social. I haven't missed a day of bike riding since I started (which coincides with the start of my summer class). This summer knocks almost every other summer out of the park! I don't know what it is about it that I've been able to really focus on exercising and also able to be more of a social butterfly. I love it! alright, so let's begin:

//————Wednesday, May 25————//

Megan, our old neighbor Natalie and I had a game night at my place. It was really fun! I made a cake from scratch, but not the frosting. I don't know what it is but I feel like I really can't make frosting. We had fun just playing board games so much that we decided we should do it more often!

Also, I think I really want to try making fondant cakes. For those of you who do not know, fondant is like frosting on a cake of which professional bakers are able to create spectacular looking cakes out of. The sky's the limit when you are able to produce great tasting and looking cakes with the use of fondant. I want to try but I've been so busy lately!

//————Thursday, May 26————//

On that Thursday, Natalie and I decided to go to Tracks in a special way. (You'll have to ask me in person if you would like to know.) Anywho, when we got there, I kept telling Natalie how I'm going to be able to introduce her to all of my Boulder Gays and it's gonna be so much fun! We got there around 10ish, and we could find any for the longest time. Eventually, around midnight, I finally found two Boulder Gays and was really excited. One of them was my crush, who got really excited and started to grind on my on the dance floor. I won't go into details, but he was less than sober... I had a lot of fun with that part as well. Well, I mean, he is my crush and he was dancing with me. Altho, because of his state, it probably really didn't mean anything... especially cause he did that with several other guys...

So we're at Tracks right, and I recently have become really great friends with one of my coworkers. He goes to school/lives in the dorms at Metro, so he's literally like five minutes away from Tracks. So I'm texting him, trying to get him to try some new experiences. We've talked pretty deeply before and he really hasn't done many college things, like clubbing. So he eventually comes to the club. It's his first time at a dance club, and it's a gay one, which is sorta funny since he's straight. We're sorta walking around and he run's into a kid who works at his dining hall. We called him, the "Lunch Lady". So the lunch lady ends up following all of us around the club, telling us how much he always has wanted to make out with my coworker, how he knew my coworker was gay, yadda yadda yadda. I felt so bad! My coworker actually got hit on by several guys. With a lot of my straight friends, I'm always like, "We should go to Tracks! It'll be fun!" And a lot of them are always like, "I really don't want to get hit on by any gays..." and I'm all, "That's a horrible thing to say! You're not gonna get hit on! That's not how the gay community works! Please, you're not that attractive..." and then my coworker, on his first clubbing experience, brings all the boys to the yard... It was sorta ironic...

So Megan was also at the club with all her coworkers and it was her first time as well. Natalie and I thought my coworker and Megan would get along really well, so we tried hooking them up, but by the time my coworker got there, and what with loosing track of my roommate, that didn't happen...

//————Wednesday, June 1————//

Natalie, Megan and I had another game night. (We've started to do these about every Wednesday.)

//————Thursday, June 2————//

On this Thursday, I took my friend Kenna out for his birthday. We met at the Denver Pavilions. He really wanted to see Bridesmaids, but because of the traffic, he was about half an hour late, so we went to the next showing. But until then, we just strolled 16^th Street Mall which was a hoot-and-a-half! So apparently, during the summer on 16^th Street, they have an installation of random upright pianos all along the mall. We eventually found one that wasn't occupied and I began just fiddling around on it. I haven't played the piano, or any instrument for that matter, since first semester of freshmen year! It was fun kinda showing off to Kenna... not gonna lie...

Anyway, we eventually went and saw the movie and he really liked it. I sorta liked it, but I'm just glad he really did. After that, I was starving, and the only place that was open around midnight was Rocky Mountain Brewing Company, so we ate there. I had a really nice burger and both of us were like, "Why aren't we twenty-one yet?!" Half their menu is fancy drinks! But it was fun, none-the-less. I'm really glad that Kenna and I are friends cause it was fun just talking about random things! We kinda gossiped hardcore which is always fun! :-P

//————Saturday, June 4————//

So I get home from working an eight hour shift at work and I'm just chillin'. All of the sudden I get this text message. It's Natalie! (I really do like Natalie, cause I feel like she's helping me have college experiences). She texts me and is like, "Hey, would you like to hookah?" At first I'm all hesitant. I ended up giving her the third degree. "Is it addictive? Will I be able to drive after? Is it legal? Is it's harmful?..." "No, yes, yes, no..." So we eventually go to this place on the Hill, called the Hookah Bar. It was my first time smoking anything, and it was actually all kinds of fun. I just felt a little buzz and Natalie was right. After five minutes of not smoking it, I felt perfectly normal! And since it doesn't have nicotine, it's not addictive. Also, the atmosphere was really chill. Well, I guess the word is more bangin'... actually really more of a mix. They were playing nonstop dubstep, in an atmosphere of black lights and rope lighting. We sat in the lounge-esque area, where the people around us were somewhat talking to us. It was really social.

Later that night, one of Natalie's friends joined us. Natalie and I were thinking that, in addition to hooking up my old roommate with my coworker, we also want to hook her up with Natalie's friend. We kinda got excited since we're sorta playing match maker. (Altho she told me that she's planing on hooking me up with someone as well this summer... ) So we're just chilin' and eventually we pay our tab and go back to Natalie's friend's place, in which we chill in his hottub. I realized then that that was actually the first time I legitly hot-tubbed. When I thought about the other times I've hot-tubbed, it was always with my family. So that was fun. We just shot the breeze which was fun. Natalie and I eventually leave and she comes to my place to sleep since I had cable and she wanted to watch the French Open the next day. (She's a huge tennis fan.)

//————Sunday, June 5————//

So it's the next day, and I'm freaking out! I lost my phone! I had that phone for two years and I never once lost it, or broken it or anything! I'm so upset, right? So Natalie, such a sweet heart, is helping me in any way she can. I checked my place/car, her friend's place/car and the Hookah Bar. It's no where. I call my mom on Natalie's phone and my mom doesn't like the feeling of me not having a phone, so the next day my mom comes up and we're able to replace it. Since I was actually due for an upgrade in a couple weeks anyway, the company give me an upgrade which makes replacing my phone not to bad.

When my mom had the people deactivate my phone, she was able to get a status report on my phone. It looked like someone had taken my phone (I think I probably left it at the Hookah Bar) and they were accessing the Internet in the morning. So, that phone is gone and all I can hope is that who ever has my old phone wiped it of all my information. I just cannot believe I was lulled into a sense of security, which led me to taking of my passcode which locks the phone, and then wipes it automatically after ten tries. Well, now I know.

//————Tuesday, June 6————//

Tuesday, I took my old friend Steffi out for her birthday. She didn't want to see a movie, so we just window shopped at Colorado Mills. Well... she window shopped as I blew my pay check on better fitting clothes... But it was fun! We figured out that we hadn't seen each other in about a year and half! It was really fun, altho it was sorta hard to talk about what I've been up to for that period of time. Eventually, we got to that point where it was how we used to be, just talkin' about random things. It sure was nice seeing her again and I really need to keep in better contact with her. I do like her...

//————Wednesday, June 7————//

Another Wednesday and another game night! This time, it's Megan, Natalie, one of Natalie's gay friends, my coworker and I. Now that was sure fun! Natalie and I planned on having Megan and my coworker meet at one of our awesome game nights, and we did. We played lots of games, and I think fun was had by all. I do like having a lot of people over to play games at my place. It makes me feel like I actually have a home... :-]

//————Thursday, June 8————//

Of course I have to be doing something every night, but this night wasn't planned! So I did my daily routine, and after my workout, I took a ~three hour nap. I wake up, and about ten minutes later, my fiend Danny, from SAGE, texts me, asking me if I would like to go to Tracks with him and Andy, another SAGE boy. I say, "Where do you want to be picked up?"

So the three of us are off to Tracks. We get there, dance a little, walk around and stuff, and it was only a matter of time before Danny had a drink... having fun... dancing... and after the second drink, off came his shirt. Andy and I were enjoying the fact that he's sorta a light weight cause he ended up dancing with this one guy... It was intense! They were doing this kinda circle dance, where they were facing each other and turning. The best part was that the never found their center of gravity so they ended up jabbing me in the back like every ten seconds! It was pretty fun. Altho, I realize now, that I think I kinda was flirting with Danny... and that's all I'm gonna say about it!

So after Tracks, we drove home and on the way home we stopped by my favorite diner, and the best diner in Colorado, Great Scott's Eatery, off of Pecos & Hw 36, which is open twenty-four hours each and every day! Also, when Natalie and I drove back to Boulder after our Tracks outing, we stopped there also. I think it's becoming a tradition for me... of which I'm fine with! I love that diner!

//————Saturday, June 11————//

And here we are to today! I slept in since I haven't really gone to bed before midnight in a while... (I closed last night at work). So apparently, I've become a social butterfly! I love it! Later tonite, I'm actually gonna go see a movie, on Monday, I'm going down to Denver with a couple friends to attend our PrideFest Volunteer orientation, on Tuesday, I'm going with a group to Film on the Rocks, Probably going to have another game nite on Wednesday, possibly Tracks on Thursday, PrideFest on Sunday, the weekend after that, I planned a SAGE hike and beyond! Life is good! B-)

All the while this is happening, I think I'm finally going towards my goal figure! I haven't lost any weight, says the scale, but I feel as if I'm getting thinner. WIN! I really need to give a little—and by a little, I mean a lot—more attention to my class now, cause I have a midterm this next Wednesday! Yikes! I think I'll manage tho.

Well if that wasn't a whole lot... I think I'm done now! Thanks if you managed to get thru all that! It's just been crazy! Crazy fun that is! *witty laugh here*

TTYL

Bringing Sexy Back

2011-05-27T22:48:00.008-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Well, It's been quite a while, what with my move and not having internet for a while. So, I'll try and be concise with what's been going on:

FroYo Friday
All By Myself...
Tracks
Goals and Such

Feel free to use the links to skip to whatever part you think would be rather an interesting read! :-)

FroYo Friday

Ok, so only about nine people showed up. Surprisingly, most of my guests were coworkers, which I thought was rather interesting. Like, I guess maybe, I've made an awesome impression with them, and not so much with my friends? I don't know. It was really fun tho. Granted, only one guest came at four when it started, and everyone else came an hour later, but we eventually had a great time. We had Ben & Jerrie's Frozen Yogurt, and we played Catch Phrase. After that, my roommate Megan, one of her friends and I played Risk, which was deliteful! ^^Top^^

All By Myself...

So it took around four days of moving from my old apartment into the new one. That kinda really sucked, but, I'm all moved in! My mom and sister came up and we went and bought a couch and a five-piece dining set. I really like them! It's kinda exciting living by myself, although I really wish I could have a roommate. I've been talking to basically everyone and their mother about living alone, and it's more or less unanimous that everyone who has never lived alone, wishes they could have lived alone and everyone who has lived alone said it was the best living alone.

Also, since I'm weird and am sorta driven by numerology, I have this... sorta... theory I guess one could say... about my apartment number. So I'm living in F214. 14/2= 7 + 7, or two sevens. We get a third if we do 1 + 4 + 2 = 7. Therefore, we have 777, or three lucky sevens. Jackpot! So I feel that living in this apartment for the next year is going to be very good for me. I feel like I'm finally going to come into my own. I feel that I will lose the weight, get hot/sexy, gain lots of self confidence, etc. So then, I'm like, "Well about the F in my apartment letter?" So, since I'm like, the number is very lucky, maybe I'll get lucky in this apartment. So maybe the F can stand for my First kiss, my First boyfriend, my First wine and cheese party, etc. This will be a year of firsts and it's going to be a good one. ^^Top^^

Tracks

So, I went to tracks with my old neighbor, Natalie, last night and it was amazing!!! I went sorta tipsy, so she was my DD. That was fun cause I had so much more self confidence in myself and I felt so ok with where I was. I was dancing and having such a great time. I kept telling Natalie how there was going to be all my Boulder gays and that I'll introduce her to them. But as the clock kept ticking, I couldn't find any of them. Eventually, I found two around midnite, and one of them was my crush, or guy 2 from the other post, whom we shall call my current crush from here on out. So my crush, I think was probably trashed at this point, see's me on the dance floor, comes over to me, and starts grind-dancing on my, with his back to my chest. He's going all out, rite? So I'm just enjoying it, cause hey! How many times can you say your crush was gyrating on you? So he's going all out, and he takes my hands and has me feeling his body as we're dancing. I'm like, "Um, alrite! This is cool!" So we're dancing, rite? And it's just really intense! He's kind of like your stereotypical twink except for the personality. His totally rocks, and he isn't superficial at all! But the dancing lasted for a while, and it was awesome. But, as we're dancing like this, some guy comes up and dances on his front side, and then they begin making out, like, hardcore. Their make-out session was so intense that they actually fell on the floor! I'm like, 'Alrite, so he is completely trashed and this means nothing to him." And wouldn't you know it? I see him later in the evening doing the exact same thing to another guy! So, that was intense...

Also, I text one of my coworkers who goes to Metero and is actually living in the dorms there, and encourage him to come to the club. He eventually does, and it was awesome! He's hardcore straight, rite? And the best part is he's never been to a dance club before! So we're sota dancing, and he runs into a person he actually knows... who's literally like, hitting on my coworker hardcore! I mean, the entire rest of the nite, this guy is hanging around Natalie, my coworker and I and is constantly telling my coworker how much he wants to make out with him! Oh! And I was literally like inches away from making out with my coworker's friend too! I think I was just wanting to make-out with him just cause at one point, we're sitting out side and he's sitting in my lap... I had a real classy nite...

No! The best part! So dancing a little tipsy is awesome! I love it! And, if you know me, but at all, you know that I pretty much sweat intensely on a daily basis. Well, when I go dancing, I end up with my shirt being completely drenched! Last nite — it was complete dry! Yeah! And I noticed that I was thinner last nite than the last time I went, cause I wore the same shirt, different color, and it was actually big on me. Since they are my two fitted shirts, last time I went clubbing and wore that shirt, it was a little snug, but last night! It was massive on me! I love being thin-esque! (I say that cause I still have to lost my stomach and love handles...) ^^Top^^

Goals and Such

So, I have this goal for my summer: I will look sexy in my uniform by the end of this summer. My coworker, same on as above, was like, "So you're bringing sexy back?" Yes and yes. That is now the slogan for my summer. I shall really focus on trying to lose these last few pounds, and try and get to a sleek, sexy look. No more wearing over shirts cause I think I have an unflattering silhouette. Also, I need to whiten my teeth and tan. But, before those, I need to lose weight. I think I'm going to pick up bicycling... So this is my plan. I really want to do this and I think I can really accomplish this. I really don't have that many more pounds to go, really. ^^Top^^

TTYL

Don't Judge Me

2011-05-09T22:47:00.004-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

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Dear Reader,

I should probably just put this out there: I'm not this emotional in real life. It's only here, in the comfort of my own blog, that I bare my emotions like this. I'd like to think that in real life, (now this may or may not actually be the case) don't show my emotions or any emotions. When I'm in the moment of something, unless it's a happy emotion, I try and hold it in or not react. I really do try. I've learned that the hard is a harsh and cruel place, so I need to not give it any ammunition.

So, what I guess I'm trying to say is don't judge me solely on this blog. I keep this blog as a place of refuge where I can share my emotions when I have no one to turn to. And when I do have people to turn to, I'd rather not bring them down, cause I've done that and I've lost many friends by being that emotional... And if any of my readers feel so compelled to comment, I'm all for it, since generally they are my friends trying to cheer me up. And I really appreciate those three word comments that totally bring me out or those really long, four paragraph comments that really make me reevaluate the sitch.

And, to be fair, I'm not just some crying pansy. I do have exciting and upbeat posts. If you look at my tag cloud on the veeeeeery bottom of the side bar, 'excited' is number one! I can be happy. It's just that I'm in a really bad slump.

But I learned something tonight. When I'm in a really bad slump, I need to just exercise. Cause I mean, instead of brooding, I can use that energy to be productive and finally get rid of those dumb love-handles of mine! I mean, I just exercised, and I feel a hundred times better! I think it's a combination of being active, listening to my awesome iTunes music, and it not being one billion degrees outside! (I don't know about you guys, but I really just don't function well in heat... [that's what she said... {... wait... }]).

So, I guess, please don't lock me out. I am awesome, eventho I don't show it often here. I mean really! I'm fricken' awesome! And don't you forget it! (I'm also beautiful. Screw what society [and especially gay society] says! :-)

TTYL

Zen and Now

2011-05-05T11:09:00.004-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

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Well, I'm now done with my second year of college! Whoot! Excited? I suppose... I'm excited to have about a month off until I start summer school and stuff. I've just been in a really bad funk lately. Or, I guess, it's the same ol' thing...

There's this manager at work who's also gay and we joke around together about being gay. He's about ten years older than I am. I was teasing him along the lines of "how do you not like X? Why don't know you what Y is?" you know, yadda yadda yadda... He's all, "I know, I'm a bad gay. At least I have the basics down." So of course I started thinking about it. I don't even have the basics of being gay. I don't like being an activist because I resent the gay community. I don't even like being shallow.

So while I hurdle thru that void in my life, I am also reminded of how I've plateaued in my weight loss. I haven't exercised in about a month. I'm starting to revert back...

Sorry for all the negative posts lately. I've sorta lost what it's meant to be happy. I think it might be nice not seeing many people for a while so I can collect myself. I think part of that process will be deleting the facebook app from my phone. With my friending so many gay guys, and them all being in my news feed habitually throws me into the arms of the green-envy monster. I need a nice break from social networking.

Also, I got a book on Eastern Philosophy and I'm reading "Eat Pray Love", so maybe they can help me find my center. Maybe I can come to terms with my jealousy and finally lose those last twenty pounds and finally get my first kiss and finally be truly happy for myself. It's a long shot, but crazier things have happened before. Not to me, but to other people granted.

TTYL

That Fresh-Stale Feeling

2011-04-27T23:05:00.009-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Ok, let's see if I can explain how i've been feeling lately...

So, lately, I've been feeling really fat and ugly. I've plateaued and I'm never going to get a boyfriend. I'm going to SAGE but they all hate me.

I feel like I have no friends. I go to school, talk to them, but school is almost over and I won't talk to them any more.

I starting to feel very nervous about living alone this summer-spring. I'm getting afraid that I'll be all alone in my apartment... no one to talk to... all by my self...

And it's like I cannot talk out what I've been feeling with anyone, cause who wants to listen to the crying f*g? Guys don't have emotions. And queers don't either. That's why they don't care for other people. They're all dead inside. Just like me. Maybe I actually am a real gay...

Nothing I do is right. I'm always pissing someone off. All I want to do is cry. But they won't let me. I can't cry, cause then they'll win. I feel so alone. I'm scared for the future. If I keep rambling like this, no one will ever listen to me... ever...

But, like I said in my last post, all I want is a hug. I still want that hug. I really do. I used to get hugs from my friends in high school. But now I suppose it's creepy for adults to hug. I need a pet to hug. A cat or a dog. Something... Is that such a bad thing to ask for?!?!

So, lately, I've been feeling really good about my self. I keep thinking about how awesome it is to fit into a size L t-shirt. I'm excited about being the secretary for SAGE since I really want to help make the club awesome!

I'm so ready for school to be over! I'm excited that I'll be all done by this next Wednesday. Hey, that's in a week! Cool! As soon as I get out, I can focus on loosing weight again. That'll be awesome...

How cool is it gonna be that I'll have a place of my very own? I can literally do what I want! It's gonna be so great!

Dude! And Boulder during the summer is gonna be great! As soon as I've lost my love handles, I'm going to take up my friend-from-high-school's offer. She offered, since she's all athletic and stuff and she'll be in Boulder this summer as well, that she can take me running. I've never ran for fun. Usually it's like horrifically painful, but since I've lost weight, I feel like I could possibly become more athletic since (1) I think I could last longer [no huffing and puffing] and (2) It's in my nature as a textbook Scorpio.

Dude! And one of the members of SAGE is planing gay movie nights over the summer with Tracks outing afterwards. And I think I'm going to volunteer over the summer at the RC. So excited!

So yeah... It kinda sucks that one moment I'm feeling column A, and then the next, column B. Also, because of my philosophy class, (I never want to take philosophy again...), I really want to check out the Eastern religions to see if I can really with them.

Guess what?! They put the entire series of That 70s Show on instant Netflix. All my time goes to that now. I love it! I love the '70s... I always have! It's such a great period and the show is soooooo funny! It's awesome! I'm currently at the beginning of season three, so I'm pretty excited about it. Whoot!

TTYL

No Homo

2011-04-22T00:23:00.003-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

[Warning: This is a pity party. Feel free to disregard my sad, word vomit.]

I would give anything to be anyone but a fat, gay man. I've come to the realization that whenever I think of the GLBT community, like, I'm volunteering at the GLBT Resource Center, I don't imagine gay men. When I think of the queer community, it's only queer women and trans* individuals. I have a lot of resentment towards the gays. And here's why:

Gay men are superficial. They only care about sex, and partying.
If you have any sort of fat, you are literally invisible. The gays will flat out ignore your fat ass.
Gays are clique-ier than the Valley Girls from your high school. They are literal bitches.
The gays couldn't give a flying f*ck for anything that's outside of a meter past the end of their nose. Being so self absorbed is nothing new to them.

A lot of the time, I wish I was a lesbian, since I follow the news, I care for other people, I like to include people rather than exclude, and I'm ok with any body type. I have a lot of jealousy/resentment issues. Oh! What spurred most of this? Oh you know, this next June 1^st will be five years since I've been out and proud! ... Did anyone say, "Never Have I Ever"? Cause I rule at that game! *sob in corner*... And there were a few more recent happenings that spawned the dangerous activity of thinking for me, but I shouldn't talk about them...

TTYL

I should not be blogging...

2011-04-16T22:40:00.005-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

I shouldn't be blogging right now... but i'm not ready to sleep... It sucks tho! Saturday night, and I sat at home watching "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs"... how sad... Meh, it's my life I guess so I should get used to it...

I saw "Rio" today with Fiona. It was really, really good. Then again, I'm a sucker for dumb, funny, kids movies. I think it's one of my guilty pleasures... Three-Dimensional kids movies...

I haven't felt this happy/pleasant in a long time... I really want to go dancing... Yeah...

Shout out to Nicole, from my high school!

So, like I recently tweeted on my Twitter, I really wish we lived in a world where we could tell the truth to people, and it would turn out well, you know? I really want to text guy2 [from the other posts] and tell him how I really feel, cause I think I really like him. Every time I see him in [should not talk about that], I'm all, "Why can't we be boyfriends? I think we really share a lot of the same values, and you're so totally hot!" (I really should not be blogging right now, but then again, maybe it's good to see where my feelings really lie...) I really wish I could come clean to the guy just to see if he even feels the same way, although, I'm probably still stuck in the friend zone... sad panda... Maybe I still have a chance over the summer... maybe...

Lolz...

TTYL

Queer Formal

2011-04-10T17:54:00.004-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Last night was Queer Formal. It was pretty fun, actually! Granted, no one showed up to do the photo/dinner thing, so I went there alone. Once I got there tho, it was really fun. I danced with the QWIC girls for the first half of the dance, and then with the SAGE crowd the second half. It was quite an experience in and of itself.

So, I have this one friend, he's a senior and gay, and half way thru the night, he asks me, "So have you seen any guys you want to date?" (Granted he didn't say date...) But honestly, I didn't. For some reason, the entire night, I didn't even think about dating or getting involved with people. I knew a lot of the people at the dance, which I think put me into that kind of mindset. And here we are today, and for some reason, I feel ok with being single. Meh, maybe it's karma still getting me back for that comment... Hopefully I'll stop being punished for that comment sooner rather than later.

I didn't get any pictures of the event. This year has been horrifically awful on the social aspect of my life, and I thought it's getting better. I mean, granted it is, like, I'm starting to see movies with friends frequently, but I still don't feel horribly social. Hopefully, I'll get there. Slowly yet surely...

TTYL

A Day of Difference

2011-04-09T17:02:00.003-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

So much difference a day makes! I feel like I say that a lot on this blog, it really should be the name of it!

But seriously, just going and talking to people at school and work really got me out of my downward spiral. At work, I really like a lot of my coworkers. Most of them were working last night, and it was pretty fun just talking with them. Also, when I made that really insensitive comment, one of my coworkers comment and was like, "I guess no more talking in box then...". He came in and saw a movie, and he shows up, smiling and having a good time. I'm like, "Hey X, I'm really sorry, I apologize, it was really ignorant..." and he's all, "Oh no worries, I was joking! No worries! We're good!" and he's all smiling and laughing. So, I guess my comment wasn't as intense as I thought it was perhaps. So yeah!

Oh! And we just had our student elections on campus and there were three tickets, or political partys sorta, running and one of them was conservative and the other two were progressive. Elections ended last night and the conservative ticket one. Apparently, on of the guys who one a big position was out yelling at one of the big wigs from one of the progressive ticket, "I hate gays, I hate gays, I hate gays," and so forth. So, to say the least, they are really conservative. And I don't mean to be devils advocate, but, it's no wonder why they one. By having two progressive tickets, we split the progressive vote. How do you think we got Hickenlooper? The tea party split the conservative vote. How did Woodrow Wilson win? Teddy Roosevelt split the republican vote. When ever you split a base like that, the other guys will win. And, not gonna lie, but Colorado is a very conservative state. Boulder may be really liberal, but it's still in Colorado. Hate to be that guy, but, we live in a conservative society.

So yeah. I had lunch with Fiona today! It was delicious! We got Indian food which was amazing! And now, I'm sorta just killing time before Queer Formal. I'm excited although I'm afraid that my plan to get SAGE to go as a group might fail. I just have this feeling that no one will show up and I'll just really be flying single. Part of me thinks not, that some of the freshman of the group might show up. So I guess we'll see! I'm kinda really excited for tonite! It's gonna be fun!!!

TTYL

What the #^$& was I thinking?

2011-04-07T22:13:00.004-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Yesterday, I snapped. I posted the most insensitive and emotionally charged statement bashing republicans and conservatives. I don't know why I did, but I got under attack and since I'm so ignorant on any political matters, failed in defending myself. I deleted the post today, but I feel like I isolated myself from everyone, cause who wants to be friends with the extremist liberal? I don't know why I posted that and I really wish I didn't. I wish I could be back biting my tongue like I usually do. I've been feeling queasy all day. I think I figured out that I have a un-rational fear of conservatism. I think it steams from being harassed all thru high school for being liberal, and what with the current political landscape, I truly do fear the GOP. Oh! And the best part is that the guys attacking my ignorant post were Log Cabin Republicans (Gay Republicans). Fuck my life...

My roommate says that I'm entitled to my own opinion so it was alright. And probably everyone has already forgotten it by now. My favorite manager at work was like, "I fail to see the problem... there's plenty of other crazies that use their Facebook to push their crazy around, and we're all entitled to one insensitive post a year." I just feel like I have no one I can talk to now, and all I want to do is cry and have people tell me it'll get better and that if it's meant to be it'll happen... I wish I had a kitty cat or a dog to hug right now...

And I have a debate in linguistics tomorrow in which I totally am not ready for. Life sucks...

And to top it off, guy1, the guy I was pursuing, told me that he's not looking to get into a relationship at this moment. He finally called me back, I asked him to QF and he rejected me. And now, I don't know if we're going as friends or not. I really want to ask out guy2 from the last post now, but I feel like he might reject me as well, so I think I should just give up on finding a date for Queer Formal and go alone. (Well, I'm not going alone since I organized to have the entire SAGE club go as a group) I should just give up at life right now. I'm so glad April is back to the way it usually is with making my life a living hell. Mazel Tov...

TTYL

Funkay Stress

2011-04-06T14:05:00.004-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Awkward...

I volunteered yesterday for one of the student government tickest for about five hours. It was fun because I was volunteering at the Engineering Center, so it sorta was low traffic. I basically chat/gossiped with another girl the entire time. But holy crap! When am I going to learn to not tell my life story to every stranger? I need to get over myself and not open up to everyone I meet. Seriously, I can't help it! blerg...

Also! All my friends are like hitting this election thing really hard, so they are all stressing out hardcore. Just volunteering, and especially at SAGE yesterday, I feel like I'm starting to get sympathy stress. I shouldn't even be stressed in the least! All my classes are basic, freshmen, core classes, and they aren't even math or science! I cannot wait until this Saturday! The Election will be over and it'll be time for Queer Formal...

...which brings me to my next point. At this moment, I'm going alone. False. I'm organizing a SAGE outing to Queer Formal before hand. I planned on having everyone meet at the Engineering Center, we'll take pictures probably at Farrand Field, and then I was thinking of going to Larkburger for dinner. My roommate is consistently raving about how amazing it is. She says they just have really great burgers. And, all the places I thought we would go are all within walking distance to Queer Formal, so yeah! I would love to take someone, or have someone take me, but I guess I'm sucking at the whole communicating thing...? My roommate is saying that I've done all that I can, and now I just have to wait. If I cannot take this one guy, we'll call guy1, then I think I'll ask guy2 as a friend, cause I'm pretty sure that I'm in the friend-zone with guy2.

Well, I'm actually done with classes today and need to work on homework. I'm staying on campus to get this work done cause whenever I'm in my apartment, it's game over... So, I bid you adieu!

TTYL

And on the Final Day of March...

2011-03-30T22:04:00.007-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Ok! Update! Feeling much better than yesterday! So there's this kid in my lingusitics class, who I found out today, is actually roommates with the guy I'm pursuing! So, I'm like,

Me: "Hey, is X really shy normally?"
Kid: "Yeah, with X, you have to initiate the conversations."
Me: "Oh, ok... Did he mention our movie friend date?"
Kid: "No..."
Me: "GAH! I just want to know if he's even at all interested in me, cause I thought it went really well... You should ask him for me! No, Jk!"
Kid: "Right, I'll tie him up until he tells me!" *Laughs*

So that's how that went! But at least I know it's probably not because he's socially awkward or anything like that, it's cause he's really shy! Well, I guess I'll be doing the pursuing like I mentioned in the last post... blerg...

Well, I guess that solves that! Also, I was thinking about the March/Boyfriend/Madam Carolyn thing. Now that March is over in a day or so, and I don't have a boyfriend, I have mixed feelings. On one hand, part of me is infuriated with palmistry and Madam Carolyn for getting my hopes up by telling me she thinks I'll get a boyfriend by March. And it hasn't happened. The likelihood of me getting into a relationship by the end of tomorrow is nil. But on the other hand, I really have to thank her. By telling my subconscious that I'll get a boyfriend in March, that I'll be single until then, allowed me to change my outlook on life. I was able to focus on me, not spending all of my time becoming jealous and resentful, but letting me lead a happy life. Allowing myself to focus on myself, and letting me realize I can be ready for him by losing weight. So, really, I think I should take the latter over the former, just because this new frame of reference gave me copious amounts of self confidence that I have never felt within myself. I've laid much of the rail ties of many budding relationships, mostly friendly (but you never know if it might turn into more), and now all I have to be is myself and the train will come.

I feel... calm, and peaceful... eventho I'm listening to dubstep... (Really, you need to check out ThisSongIsSick.com, at least once, for me!) I think I'm in a really good point in my life. Granted, I still need to lose like fifteen more pounds, but I think I'm on track.

TTYL

Sometimes, You Just Have To Cry

2011-03-29T22:09:00.004-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

I'm sorry, I just have to blog right now. So, feel free to read between the lines.

I wish I had someone to talk to. Correction. I wish that my awesome personality and natural charisma would actually work on guys so I could be pursued, instead of wallowing in my own self pity and resentment.

TTYL

Old School Musings

2011-03-26T13:38:00.004-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

I'm just gonna jump right into it. Family week was fun! Since my sister was still in school, and my brother-in-law and dad worked, my mom and I basically went shopping for better fitting clothes for about three days. It was really fun! I only gained a few pounds, and I've about lost them, so life is good!

I'm super stoked to be finishing off this semester, even tho I'm procrastinating my homework right now. I work in like a couple hours so I feel like I'm not really procrastinating, even tho I am. I'm excited for tonight! Fiona, her BF Jullian and I are going to go see Paul and have dinner. I really like talking to them, since they are so much more experienced.

Not sure how much to delve into this topic so I'll just glance over it. So, Queer Formal is in a couple weeks and I still need to find a date, or find a group of friends to go with. I'm going to see a movie with this one guy on Sunday to see if we click. I'm going into it just to see if we can be closer friends. If something does develop — so be it; but I'm not going to get my hopes up for nothing.

Not gonna lie tho — It's a real battle keeping my mind from wondering to ultra-optimistic territory... and also the flip of overly-pessimistic dungeons... Like, ok; I was at work last Thursday, and I'm pretty sure this high-school-aged gay male couple came and saw Rango. I wasn't sure if the one was gay, but the second on had a lot of gay mannerisms and the gay accent. I know I shouldn't judge, but when I see to metrosexual men together, I think gay. But I went to the dark place, of complete and utter resentment of the gay community. "I came out before junior year of high school so I could get a boyfriend, have a date, receive my first kiss... and yet here I am, almost four years later, and nothing. nothing!..." etc. Now that it's March, I've gained a lot of self confidence, but I'm fearful that my mindset is slipping into the 'wanting someone' rather than 'I'm single' mindset.

The flip is also happening. I can't but help think of all the activities I want to do with a boyfriend. Mainly, it involves making out on my couch, while watching some movie. I can't help it! I know it's not healthy to have such a vivd imagination, but my subconscious knows that it's March, so I feel like it's leaving the healthy, single mindset, and reverting. But reverting with a large dose of self-confidence.

Oh! Also this break! I went to Southlands Mall with Katy, my MOH, and had a blasty-blast! I also went to the Cheesecake Factory with Nicole, from high school. I really do like talking things out with Nicole. I think it's because we both really disliked out high school, and neither of us blossomed in high school, but are now blossoming in college. I feel really close to Nicole too, that I feel like I can talk to her about anything... and I do! I'm really glad I haven't lost her as a friend, since she goes to a different college. She totally said she wants to be there when I get my piercing and tattoo. ;-)

Well, I guess that's a good diary post for now. Have a great day!

TTYL^♥

I'm bringing sexy back...

2011-03-19T10:08:00.007-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

As usual for this blog, I shall share somethings I've been thinking about lately. Sorry! :-(

Ever since I realized I can wear size L T's, for some reason t-shirts are the bomb, btw. All I want to do is go shoping for large shirts! Especially at thrift stores cause there usually aren't a lot of xl shirts but usually a crap load of l shirts. I really want to go window shopping at Plato's Closet, Where the Buffalo Roam, and just to the mall in general! I also was thinking, now that I'm smaller now, I could get funky colored pants from like Hot Topic or Spencers. You know, like cyan or magenta or something. How much fun would that be? I could where it clubbing! It would be so much fun! I feel like a whole new, cooler, world has just opened up! Totally!

Ok, so would this be weird: If after my first kiss, I post the song "My First Kiss" by 3Oh!3 feat Ke$ha? Weird? Well, It doesn't matter cause I'm planing on it. Hopefully people will understand why I'm posting it, cause I'll probably be pretty excited. So yeah...

Oh! And tonight, after work, I'm seeing Rango with Fiona!!! I did it! I did it! I made friends! I'm meeting with people, and doing stuff, outside of school or clubs! Whoot! I'm growing up! (Ok, I'm a little too excited by this and it's sad... )

So Queer Formal is coming up. I think I'm going to ask this one guy out on a coffee date cause I think he's interested in me. And you never know! I mean he has the one quality I look for in a boyfriend: "A hand for me to hold for hours on end". So, I think I might give it a try after spring break, since I'll be at home in e-town for most of it. (Huh... the initial for my hometown combined with 'town' looks like electronic town [kinda like email] funny...) The thing is! I think I may be developing feelings for this other guy, in which I'm pretty sure we're in the friend zone. Yet, I'm not sure. I mean, I'm not sure if it's feelings of wanting to be with him romantically, (he is pretty good looking and sweet), or if I'm just wanting to be closer friends with him. I have talked to him for sorta long periods of time before, and I really think we share a lot of the same values. He sure is a hoot-and-a-half, but I don't think he would ever date me... Meh! I should just focus on become closer friends with him, just so I can have a close gay male friend. Totally.

So, by exercising, I think, I'm starting to develop some biceps. My family has always told me, and my weight's teacher in high school [who was also the wrestling coach], I do have the frame to get quite muscular. My family says it's because of my German heritage that gives me the frame. But now that I've lost some fat and the muscle is starting to show, I'm kind of, probably not so good, thinking of where I could go. If I really focused and up-ed my intensity, I could get muscly. After all, if you know me but-at-all, you'd know I'm a sucker for muscles.(Large biceps on a man... oh mercy!) So, what if I gained some muscles? Imagine: I'm starting to up my style, losing weight, gaining muscle... and going into Computer Science! I could be the hottest nerd there was! How sweet would that be? Like, for real? (I may be thinking too much into it, but, I'm planning on looking sexy...)

I realized at work the other day, that I like... "gay" things... Like, ok. You know the hair style "The Duck Butt?" It was really popular with lesbians before the Bieber hair came to be. Some gay men where the duck butt, and I realized that it's soooooo gay, that I really find it attractive on males. So, I was thinking. (I feel like it's kind of like the "golden rule" or something.) "If I really find it attractive on other guys, maybe I should try it with my hair..." So yesterday I did. I think it worked out really, really well! I asked people at work what they thought, and they agreed, (After they got over the fact that it's called the duck butt), that I look better with the duck butt than the faux hawk. So, on that note, I believe I may have up-ed my style once again... (Yay!)

Well, now that I've talked your ear off about me, (once again!), I shall leave you be to go pack!

TTYL^♥

Feelin' good!

2011-03-16T15:24:00.004-06:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Honey, I'm doing well! Totally! So about a week ago I ordered shirts from Threadless.com and they came yesterday! The cool part was the one was only $5 and the other only $10! They are awesome graphic t-shirts. But the BEST part is that they are size L, not size XL - and they fit! Yeah! They aren't tight, they complement my form (I think) and they show of my emerging biceps that I've been working on. I've never been able to wear a size L before, so it's pretty exciting. I posted on twitter when I got them that I was so happy I could cry, just cause I've worked really hard to get this weight off and getting these T's are like a reward or a congratulations.

So, It's only been recently that I've been telling people I've lost 40 pounds since August. I hit 210 maybe a two weeks ago, but lately I'm hovering around 207. I feel like I may be bragging about my weight loss a little to obsessively. I mean, I'm super stoked to tell people my progress since I feel like it's an accomplishment; at the same time, I keep saying it over and over and over to pretty much everyone I meet. I mean, I used to not have any self esteem. Ask any of my friends of old, they know. But by telling people my progress, it kind of lift's my self esteem, you know? I know I need to tone it down a notch, but it feels so good to have self esteem.

So yeah. We're halfway thru March and I feel like I have a couple prospects but it's not for certain. I'm not sure if I need to wait for them to initiate things, or if I need to. I'm hesitant with both. On the one hand, I waited and waited for guys to ask me out on dates and it never happened. So, to change it up, I asked out a few guys, but they pretty much rejected me as well, so I'm on the fence about the subject. I wish I could bring it up in a queer space to get a few ideas. Maybe I'll just status it on twitter...

Queer Formal is coming up. Again, I'm not sure what to do. Should I ask out a guy as my date or as friends? Who should I ask? Should I wait and see? This is so tormenting!

Good times... So I mixed up my weekend again. This last weekend, the GLBTQ RC and the Office of Victims Assistance did a discussion on Race, Class and Gender within the GLBTQ community. It was rather interesting, and I kind of wish it lasted longer. I'm always torn between identifying: as a hardcore American, since on my mom's side we can trace our lineage to the American Revolution, plus I had a uncle, how-many-great's ago, who founded Stanford University. as biracial, since I am technically half latino since my dad is from Chile. It was an interesting talk none the less.

But how I really mixed up my weekend was that the following evening, Billy had a saxophone recital, and I went to it. Now I lived on the same floor as Billy, and spent the majority of my free time hanging out with him, or his roommate Garrett. I also saw my roommate Isaac there. It was rather delightful seeing them all, although, as guys, they kind of suck at talking about what they've been up since I last saw them, (last August). I also suck at asking specific questions that get that kind of information out of them. I need to learn the "conversational shitwork", as my linguistics class calls it, from my mom and sister. They are the masters at that sort of thing. But it was still fun hanging out with all of them after the recital, seeing how they haven't changed at all since Freshman year and how they are still as awkwardly fun as ever! I do miss hanging out with them, but at the same time, I think I may have changed, so it isn't as appealing as it once was.

Well, I've been doing very well lately and I'm definitely ready for spring break. I'm going to stay at home for about four days to be with the family, since I won't be at home over the summer. I'm excited but at the same time, I think I'm finally understanding this hanging-out-with-friends thing. So it might suck not being in Boulder during prime hangout out time.

So much happy... I'm glad I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm happy more and more, and where I have more self esteem. Pure awesomeness...

Oh, and I really like this song for today, by the way. I feel like it's been a while since a dance song has come along that has a nice melody that contains more than three different notes. I can't stop listening to it! It's so great!

TTYL^♥

Pure, Unbridled Optimism with Every Bite!

2011-03-07T19:22:00.003-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:

So, I've been doing really well! This weekend was the most college weekend I've had in a while! I finally asked a friend to a movie! Yay! I went with Fiona and we went to see Hall Pass. (Wasn't that good of a movie...) Then, we went to Tokyo Joe's and I tried sushi for the first time! It was pretty good! The seaweed thing was really chewy tho... that part was interesting... So then, I had two research papers due today, so I stayed up all night working on them, with a a two hour nap in the middle. I didn't realize how much time those papers were going to take! But you know what? I don't regret one thing! "No promises, no regrets!"

I've been feeling really great lately! I think I'm getting over my sickness, I did something social, I think I'm being accepted into SAGE, I have a plan of attack to get into the College of Engineering, I'm able to fit into clothes I haven't been able to wear, I'm doing awesome! I love March! Whoot! I have so much happy! :-)

So I really had a great time with Fiona. Have you ever had that friend who's an upperclassmen, a seasoned veteran of your school? Well, that's Fiona. She's a senior, two credit's shy of graduating, seasoned Boulderite, she's active in the community and a delight to listen to! I always find it fascinating listening to seasoned Boulderites. It's interesting to hear the behind-the-scenes of the people I know, or the little secrets of Boulder and school. I loved it! I feel more well grounded and a lot less rose-colored-glasses. Keepin' it real! B-)

TTYL^♥

Let's Kick Ass, Shall We?

2011-02-28T19:56:00.004-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:

How cool was it that I found this song at this time? I feel it's very, renew yourself and of the sort. What do you think?

Anywho... So guess what? March begins tomorrow. Excited? I guess you could say I am. I'm actually on track for March I think. I only have 15 more pounds to go; I went to a SAGE potluck this past saturday and put my name out there in the gay community on campus; I'm beginning to love my body and who I am; I'm doing well in school; I think I'm finally getting there.

March is a day away, and I'm ready to kick ass...

TTYL^♥

Whoops, my bad...

2011-02-23T23:08:00.007-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Pretty bad case of cabin fever. I found this article. Thought it was rather interesting. I think I totally went wrong on step one with each of those guys I asked out last year. I need to get better at becoming friends with guys.

How to Get a Boyfriend (for Guys)
from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit
During adolescence, boys may have feelings for other boys their age. This does not necessarily mean that you are gay, or bisexual. Though if these feelings are strong enough, and you want a boyfriend, this article is directed at you.
Steps
Start spending more time with the guy that you are interested in.
Invite him to your house and just act as regular friends, play video games, maybe go to a movie.
If at this point he seems to be especially close to you (laughing at all your jokes, making contact when it's not necessary, etc.), then you can be fairly sure he feels about you the same way.
Invite him to a neutral place, such as a coffee shop, where you can tell him how you feel. This way, if you were wrong, either of you can leave the situation.
If he does feel the same way, take things slowly; go to each others' house, and just hang out; become comfortable with one another.
By this stage you might have your first kiss.
Then you can ask him if he wants to be your official boyfriend.

Tips
Take things slow; there is no more sure way to lose a friend than asking him on a date if he is not at all interested in you.
Make sure you can trust the person, you don't want to be teased at school.
If he says no, he may still want to be your friend, just not your boyfriend.
Please, be pretty sure the guy you want is gay and know him well. If you are in the closet, you will be exposed. And if you aren't, you will pass off as a Horny flamboyant homosexual. So don't go around asking guys out,it can cause some problem's.

Warnings
Do not tell your friend until you are sure he is ready to hear it.
Many people are uncomfortable around gay people, so be prepared for unexpected reactions.
Be aware that feelings for the same-sex don't necessarily mean you are gay. Most gay people know they are gay early on, and during adolescence hormones can spark unusual feelings. You might just be bi-curious, if you are unsure, or bisexual if you have romantic feeling for both genders.

Related wikiHows
How to Get the Boy You Like to Go from Total Stranger, to Friend, to Boyfriend
How to Meet a Boy
How to Turn a Boy Into a Boyfriend
Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Get a Boyfriend (for Guys). All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

I also thought tip one was interesting. My bad... but now I know! I don't know why I'm so socially ackward when it comes to guys, and especcialy gay guys. I need to push my social envelop.

I think I need to do that with all people. I found another article on wikihow that had a tip that was like, just call and chat to a person to stay in touch. I was like, "Huh... it never occured to me to just call up someone and chat with them, like I call my parents. I think I might try that within this next week. I need to strengthen the friendships I currently have instead of develop new ones. Yes! I need to keep friends! I don't want to end up like my parents where they don't have more than one or two friends. I need this! *Fist-Pump!*

TTYL^♥

I want you to take over control

2011-02-22T19:37:00.004-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Dude... figuring out things is awesome...

So I'm not sure what I've told you, so I'll tell you from the beginning. I really want to major in Computer Science and minor in Atmospheric Science. I have to apply to get into the College of Engineering & Applied Science in order to do this. I learned my cumulitve GPA is enough to get me in, but my technical GPA (only counts my Math and Physics courses) is not high enough for acceptence. So, I talked it thouroughly with my parents, and we planned that I will be staying here in Boulder to take summer classes. I'm kind of excited to be taking summer classes! I hear they are a lot easier than the fall/spring courses.

So, I'll be doing summer school. If those classes don't raise my technical GPA, then I'll be taking some more math and csci classes in the fall. If that fails, I'll be majoring in environmental studies. (That's plan c, by the way.) I'm glad that I'm figuring out my near future. It sucks that I'll have to do this every semester tho.

ANY-whozzle-bee! So that's awesome. Wanna know something else more awesome? I only have 15 pounds to go! Yay me! Warning! The next few lines are soaked with bitterness: (click here to skip) So I don't understand this. I'm awesome: I cook, I clean, I knit, I play board games, I get free movies, I'm loyal, committed, kind, a hoot-and-a-half and outgoing. So, why in the heck am I still single? Since gay men are so shallow, I figure the reason is because I'm overweight. But now! I'm only 15 pounds away from being of healthy/sexy standard! Yay me!

[BTW - this pic still applies]

Let me paint you a picture: It's summer, not this summer, most likely, but a summer in the future. (I'm still in college). I'm jogging thru campus, shirt off, tanned, rippling muscles. I run into any of the guys that rejected me last semester. I awkwardly talk to them about how they've been, sorta catch up. I notice they are staring at my rock hard chest. Sweat making my muscles glisten in the sunlight. I leave him and keep jogging. I think to myself, :That's right! SUCK IT! YOU rejected all o' THIS!: and they're all like, :I shouldn't have been such a jackass. Why am I so shallow?!: (This is what kept me motivated during my workout today, btw. Who knew bitterness was the best motivation for exercise?) [Oh! And if anyone recognizes this sort of notation for thinking... I wanna have your adopted babies... ]

And can we talk? Why is the gay community so sex positive? A straight guy talks about sex = he's labeled a perv. A gay guy talks about sex = he get's ten phone numbers. It's not fair. I hate how sex positive this community is. EVERY time they begin talking about sex, I'm forced out of the conversation since I have nothing to contribute. EVERY time sex gets discussed, I'm just reminded of how I'm so far away from having sex, that I haven't even had my first kiss, or even held hands with a member of the same orientation as me. I'm so bitter...

Ok! rant over! Thanks for sticking around. Sorry to be such a Debby Downer. Anywho, I'm actually in a great place right now! I got a 98% on my philosophy test. Studying for eight hours the day before really paid off, and now I really feel like I understand Skepticism! I also got a 96% on my first linguistics paper! This semester is so awesome! I think if I can't do computer science, I'll do just fine in any non-technical degree... and enjoy it! Good times...

So! Enough about me! How are you doing?

TTYL^♥

Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day!

2011-02-14T22:58:00.008-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Well, today is Valentine's Day, or Anna Howard Shaw Day, or the Anniversary of the Valentine's Day Massacre. So, I guess there's something for everyone. For me, it was just another Monday. In fact, I had a linguistics test today. Other than that, it was normal week day. Megan was so nice; she got me a chocolove bar, just cause! Here's the poem:

from The Indian Serenade

I arise from dreams of thee
In the first sweet sleep of night,
When the winds are breathing low,
And the stars are shining bright.
I arise from dreams of thee,
And a spirit in my feet
Hath led me— who knows how?
To thy chamber window, Sweet!

Percy Bysshe Shelley

I really like those chocolove bars. I'm really dense at poetry, but I thought it was very symbolic. That's probably not the right word...

So I was thinking today about relationships, just cause. Is it me, or do some people who have dated around learn and pickup things from their past partners? Like, "Oh, my last boyfriend was a dancer. That's who taught me to dance." Do you understand? So I was just thinking, what skill would I teach my boyfriend? What would make me different from the other boyfriends he's had? Would I teach him how to cook? Maybe how to knit? Something computer-y? I'll learn something cool to do with computers... eventually. I have this friend, she's a computer science major (senior), and she's taking a class on ethical computer hacking. You know, they teach you the techniques of hacking to teach you to better protect computers. Is that cool or what?

So yeah. I think I've lost my holiday excitement. I've lost the fire to celebrate holidays. I think all the Debbie Downers I lived with last year kind of killed each one. I hope to find my passion again...

Sorry my posts lately seem to be so depressed. I'm actually not, believe it or not. I've just been a little tired. I haven't had a full day off since last week. I am into the third day of my new exercise routine; except I couldn't exercise today cause I'm a little sore all over. Work is fun. School is going well. My social life is non existant. Meh. I'll find the happy middle ground eventually. Just takes time. Yep.

TTYL^♥

Tea-Baggers are Awesome

2011-02-11T21:32:00.005-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:

Can I just start of by saying I love the Tea Party? If you don't know who they are, they are the far right, extremists of the conservative movement. Fringe of the Republican Party, they plan to "tea-bag" America into submission. They strongly dislike anything liberal, (gays, muslims, jews, independents, etc) or anything socialist, (public education, roads, police, libraries, etc.). In my writing class, our first assignment is to anaylyze a political cartoon and I chose this one:

Now the reason I like the Tea Party, is that they are so conservative and extremist, that they actually pull support from the Republicans, therfore weakening thier party. Just because of that fact, they pretty much give democrats power. As democrats, we could pull together, unite, and finally get things done. The bad thing is most democrats have shifted very far to the right that they aren't even remotely liberal. They are pretty much centrist now. Now I'm a liberal. But the way this shift has been occuring, I guess I'm an extremist, nut-job liberal? I can do that...

The funny thing is, if you know your history, this whole, "Let's start a new party cause the one we have is crap" happened back in the day with Teddy Roosevelt. He started his own, "Bull Moose Party," effectively splitting the Republican vote, and giving the presidency of 1912 to the Democrat, Woodrow Wilson. I mean, that's how we were able to get Hickenlooper in as our Governor.

Speaking of politics; I love Rachel Maddow. I thought this was incredible:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

I'm starting to get back into politics. I'm remembering how much I like being knowledgable. It sure is fun. I feel like you have to know what's going on with politics, cause whether you like it or not, it's going to affect you in one way or another. It's has been affecting you since birth, but people have been lulled into complacency and don't realize it. Most Americans take what we have for granted. Just look at what happened to Egypt for about the past fortnight and today. They had a peaceful revolution to gain democracy. Granted, it's still to soon to make statements on if they truly will receive the democracy they so rightly deserved. So, because of this homework assignment in my writing class and this Egypt thing, I've been, slowly, getting back into politics. Woot :-)

Alright, so got that out of the way. Now, I'm not sure if it's because this weekend is Valentine's Day weekend, the fact that I have to work both Saturday and Sunday, the fact that it's been so long since I've stopped thinking about it, the fact that I'm a month away from the month and I'm still 20 lbs away, or what; I've been feeling sorta depressed in the arena of love. I know this isn't knew, but I haven't felt this way in a really long time. Well, since I made that mind shift a while back. (This shift was that I'm going to accept the fact that I will be single until an appointed month in time in the future, chosen for many reasons. This month is this March.)

But really, I think I solidified some thoughts that have been on the back burner for a while now. I resent the gay community. Not gonna lie, but I still feel like I'm not appart of the community. Based on experience, I'm not apart of the gay, or straight, community. I have no experience in either community. I came out in 2007, and yet, with where I am know, socially and romantically, I might as well have stayed in the closet. Nothing's changed. I joined clubs, started volunteering, but I haven't actually done anything representing "gay". Even tho I do all these things, they cannot just flat out tell me, "No, we don't like your kind volunteering here," or "This is a no 'Pat' club." They are forced into being welcome and accepting of everyone, other wise, they would be called hypocrites. They have to let me do what I do. The only reason I do what I do within the community is because there's that small sliver hope in the bottom of my heart saying, "Just keep going! It'll happen! The gay community will open it's self up to you! Don't give up!" Some day, I'll be apart of the gay community. For now, I'm in V-land. I'm actually mayor, btw.

TTYL^♥

Frigidity

2011-02-01T23:19:00.003-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:

So blogging... Really, I need to just blog when I have my topic rite away, as apposed to waiting till later. 'Cause now it's later, and I'm spacing on what I'm wanting to say!

Well, I know one thing, and that's college is awesome! I love all my classes! They are a hoot-and-a-half and I feel like I'm learning so much with such little homework! Who knew that reading was, like, helpful to the learning process? The texts we have to read in philosophy are still pretty sketchy to me, but my professor explains them so well that I understand what they were thinking when they wrote it down. Linguistics is really interesting to me, since we are looking at different dialects of American English and the various ways we stigmatize or differentiate ourselves by how we talk. I really think that I would love to go into linguistics if computer and atmospheric science weren't so interesting. My writing class is sorta boring but I'm learning about how to write professionally and such that this class is really showing me where my high school education failed me horribly. My writing class = Mind Blown! My favorite class is my computer science class. It's so much fun. In about two more homeworks, our task is to write a program that opens ups a window, and draws a planet orbiting a star, complete with fast motion close and slow motion far away. I'm learning so much, and I'm still reading ahead in the text book. I think I truly found my major...

So I just think it's sorta funny that when the temperature drops, people freak-out. And I think to myself, and they say atmospheric science isn't a real major... Makes me giggle!

Anyhow, I learned this past weekend that I cook when I'm bored. Really, all I want to do is cook all day long. Trying different recipes, learning new techniques, but I don't want to eat it. I'd balloon up again! I need a boyfriend with a healthy metabolism, so that he can eat all the food I make, and not balloon up as well! Sometimes I think I should just go to culinary school, to really develop my skills, and then work in a restaurant as a chef. So much fun! That'll be Plan C.

Furthermore! ... jk... You thought I had something actually interesting to say instead of me talking about myself... Fooled you! But I can try. What's the opposite of a sausage fest? Would it be a clam bake? Cause that's what any group that meets at the GLBTQ RC is. SAGE is a sausage fest in comparison. I really do like SAGE, partly in the fact that I've been attending a perpetual clam bake since getting involved in clubs and partly that it's not just that we're gay, it's that we all have a shared interest in being nerdy. I think it's interesting how much reinforcing of gender stereotypes my classes/clubs are. My linguistics class and writing class: clam bake. My computer science class and SAGE: sausage fest. Why is it that women are the minority in my math/engineering classes, but the majority in my social/non-math-based-science classes? Really, I kind of want to take a gender and sexuality class, cause I think I would fit in. My mom has raised me to be quite the feminist, if I do say so myself! In high school, I always felt like I was more of a feminist than the majority of the the females in my school. I new many girls that thought it truly was their job to make sandwiches for their husbands - no joke. Off topic, but there you go. Why do we still have all these gender stereotypes and heterosexisms in the world? Please someone tell me...

Well, I tried to not talk about me. I think I kind of failed there. Someday, with the new writing skills I shall learn, I shall blog a really strong argument, complete with resources and not such familiar vernacular. I promise you, I will sound intelleigent one day, and I will use my blog as a platform to help sway minds.

TTYL^♥

Addiction is Bad

2011-01-20T23:03:00.006-07:00

Musical Selection for Today:

HOLY MACKEREL!!! I just got my mac back! It had been in the shop since last Thursday. I really wanted to increase his hard drive, so I did. One WHOLE terabyte! For those you don't know, 1 TB = 1000 GB. Yeah, I'm kind of excited.

Altho, I never realized how computer dependent I had become. I couldn't do my homework, so I had to run to the UMC to checkout a laptop. I had to go to the GLBTQ RC to print. In addition, I used the computer labs within the Engineering Center to do my csci homework. Most of my homework requires a computer, either to type homework or to read pdfs online, or to write programs. It was the longest week in my life. It really was sort of sad tho to think of how addicted I am to my computer. Maybe it's my life goal to figure out how to live in this technological world without it consuming me from the inside. Maybe.

So, I feel a major event happened when I couldn't have any input. The whole there's-a-new-astrological-zodiac-and-all-the-signs-changed fiasco. Just watch this first:

Listen: I've informally studied Astrology all thru high school. It's the thing that kept be going, along with Tarot, Runes, Cartomancy, etc., so I know what I'm talking about. Astrology is old world thinking, therefore we go by the old world positions. This professor that everyone is freaking out over isn't the first one to notice that the signs are off. So listen, if you where a Pisces a month ago, you're still a Pisces. Astrology doesn't really ever change. The earth is still the center of the universe and Pluto is still a planet. The next big thing that modern Astrologers are thinking of changing is giving the planet Chiron to the Virgos. So enough freaking out. Oh, and about that; Now I thought Astrology was considered to be clearly Paganistic, therefore should be looked down upon. So why did everyone freak out? I thought it wasn't popular...

Moving on! I totally dropped my French class. It's not that I don't want to continue to learn French, but I was realizing an elective is not worth dropping my GPA over. The teacher never explained the eight documents she had emailed us, which was clearly from a different professor. I didn't want to end up in the position again of a teacher clearly working through the one I was getting taught from. I also don't have the time to focus on all the homework required, and it was making learning French into something I had to do instead of something I wanted to learn. I feel like I have a solid foundation in French and I have plenty of resources to keep on learning French on my own time, in a fun and relaxing way.

Other than that, all my classes are awesome! Philosophy I think will really make me reconsider a lot of things I once never gave a lick of thought. Linguistics is really, really interesting. Writing will hopefully how to write professionally. Computer Science is starting to become a challenge to the point where I'm definitely going to install Windows 7 on my Mac. The reason is that the homework we have to do, is not from the book, and very visual. The graphics library we have to use to complete the homework's is only available on Windows. That is the only reason to install Windows on my Mac. I always have the option of going to the Engineering Lab, but they said to expect no less than spending eight (8) hours per homework assignment. (We have one a week.) So I really am opting for installation. I get a free copy of Windows 7 since I'm in this class, and I always can wipe it from my hard drive. I was talking to my TA, telling her my qualms about going into the field with a Mac, and she was like, "You should be happy to know that my husband and I are both computer scientist and we both have Macs. You'll be fine." No worries! And now since I have 1 TB of disk space, I won't mind having Windows on my Mac. I clearly have the space. :-P

One more business item! I went to my first SAGE meeting! Now, for those of you who do not know, the Engineering College is basically a sausage fest. This also applies to SAGE. I really wanted to go to this last year since all the clubs I was going to was pretty much the opposite. But the catch was, I wasn't an engineer. This year, they wanted to expand, so they changed the G to GLBT instead of Gay, and made it open to any science based majors, not just engineering. I wasn't really focusing on that, but this semester I went cause my reasoning was Computer Science is within the College of Engineering, so I'm allowed. They would have allowed me anyway but it's the principle! (JK!) It was really... interesting. They are clearly a new club still. The meeting I went to we the first of the semester and they were talking about events they wanted to do. A lot of the events they named, in my mind I was like, "Gather does that... GSA does that... GSA tried that and it failed... " I thought it was interesting. I've totally taken on a new role in the clubs I go to know. I've been more lackadaisical in my clubs, taking one a more, "I'm just gonna sit back and listen" instead of "I want to give 110% to this club because it is my duty!" I really liked it and I think I'm going to keep going to SAGE. I really want a button from them now...

WELL! Isn't that quite the update! I am so addicted...

TTYL^♥